Introspection

This is another one of the "OMG I miss Dahy and I'm going to write all about it" so if that's not what floats your boat, don't say I didn't warn you.


Before I talk about my friend, first I want to discuss some sleep issues I have been having lately. For over two weeks I was averaging less than two hours a night. These two hours were so fragmented that cycle after cycle I was not entering REM sleep. A mind needs REM to properly sleep. A lack of it can actually cause psychosis. In my case, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Last Monday I finally took so ill I ended up on the lawn slurring my words and my thoughts were completely fragmented. 

The Human League - "You've Lost That Loving Feeling"

While waiting for my psychiatrist to return my call, a friend recommended I call the man who last changed my meds at rehab. I did and he recognized my problem immediately. He put me on a low dose of the antidepressant impramine which I had been switched off when they put me on the Lexapro. We don't know why it took this long to effect me but the point is that less 48 hours later I had two full nights of uninterrupted sleep.



Ever since the ninth my wife and I have been in an extreme funk. It was also Mother's Day on Sunday here in America, and that is a reminder of my mum.Yes, I still miss her. 

The Stone Poneys feat. Linda Ronstadt - "Different Drum"

On the positive side, this was my wife's first Mother's Day since she became pregnant on the 5th of January as well as now being a mother to DJ and Sasha.  

This is probably my favourite women's empowerment song. When my wife had gone back to college I would play this every morning on the drive to her classes. Sunday I put my cellphone with this song playing  on the tray DJ and Sasha used to serve her breakfast in bed. She damn nearly cried.

Peter Gabriel & Youssou N'Dour -"Shaking the Tree"

When I turned into this type of introspective and melancholy mood I began to ponder about the possibility of an afterlife. The more I've thought about it lately, the more I find my mind opening to idea there might be something out there I'm not ready to accept. 

Soulsavers-"Presence of God"

Now with Dahy gone, I do hope one day to be reunited with two important people in my life. To see him and my mum both healthy and no longer having to fight their respective illnesses and demons, well that idea brings peace to my heart. I mean dammit no one should ever have to suffer like they did. Would it be the end of the world if they could actually experience what "should have been" instead of their life just ending when they died. Is that too much to ask for?

Joni Mitchell - "Circle Game"

Especially with the loss of Dahy I've begun to wonder about my lack in a belief in a god, much less all the anger I feel toward things like Huntington's Disease. Have I actually been blaming someone who may not even be responsible. Who ever said that a god is to blame for all the evil this world? 


If anyone ever got the bad end of the stick in life, it was Dahy. Yet he still managed to find some peace of mind in his church. So do his children. In fact, just recently Sasha told me she looks forward to going to church because its where she feels closest to her father. I find that bizarre just based on her age. Seven year old's can't grasp the ideas around most of the rituals and god talk yet, so I think there is something else going on. I do know that she thinks that's the one place her dad always found his centre (as she calls it "his calm").

Wilson Phillips - "Hold On"

I once heard a Catholic Priest speak on evil and the bad things that happen to us. He said that evil was brought on when Adam and Eve committed their big sin. The kicker is that this man went on to say that many people are uncomfortable with the thought of God not stepping in at that time. However, if he had then he would have taken away their free will. If he took that away, Adam and Eve wouldn't have been made in his image. God did have free will, after all and he made man and woman, not robot. 

STYX - "Mr. Roboto"

So combine what would have been David's 39th birthday followed four days later by Mother's Day and its been a bit sad of a week. Not depressed. Just introspective and melancholy. Obviously I've been doing a lot of thinking too. 

Nina Simone-"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

This next song reminds me of Jane's recent trip to New Orleans. I have never heard this version before tonight. It also reminds me of Jan and Stella of HDTrainwreck. Their father, who has Huntington's Disease, has always been a big Animals fan.

The Animals-"House Of The Rising Sun (live)"

The home network went out last weekend, so we've been without internet access except for our telephones. Once I got that needed sleep yesterday I went straight to work on fixing it. Since my primary computer has been locked down for some odd bios password issue I don't have the ability to get to any of my data. I'm currently on an old laptop. At least the important parts like Word and the DVD player work on this old one.

Well, my eyes are falling down. So off I'm going to try and get a nap in. Right now, I want every inch of sleep I can get.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

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Day 3 No Night Sleep

This is the third day I haven't been able to sleep. Yesterday I was up until 9:00 a.m. and then slept until 1:00. Last night, up all night, and two nights ago the same with a three hour nap. What's going on?

Nina Simone-"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

I was turned on to Nina by a friend who adored soul.

I've never been the same since the first day I listened to 

records with him.

At first I brushed it up to stopping my mood stabilizer but all over my Facebook and Twitter people are complaining of lack of sleep at night. Is there more to it? 

Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Moon Rising"

The first two nights we had high winds. Winds so high they literally blew headphones off my body and down to only God-Knows-Where. Less than 100 miles from me the San Gabriel Valley is expected to be without power until at least Monday.  Could it be these winds put me on edge making it hard to sleep?

Here's today's double feature, Arlo Guthrie.

Arlo Guthrie-"City of New Orleans"

Some of you may not know that Arlo is "one of us", meaning he lived under the specter of Huntington's Disease. Arlo's father was the well known folk musician 'Woody' Guthrie, who suffered from before dying of the disorder. This made Arlo an at-risk individual. To this day it would not surprise me to find out that he is one of those funding the private organization working to find a cure of HD.

Whenever I question my motives, I remind myself of how Arlo lives his life and I remind myself that I don't have to let this disease force me to live with a black cloud over my head all the time.

All 15 minutes of 

Arlo Guthrie-"Alice's Restaurant Live at Farm Aid '05"

My main problem with the lack of sleep is that it brings out two of my symptoms almost right away. The first is my depression. The second is my leg jerking. If I don't sleep for one night, the next day I'll be laying down and "jerk" out from my kneecaps. Sitting in a chair and "jerk" Its not pleasant at all, and it makes napping twice as hard. 

William S. Burroughs-"A Thanksgiving Prayer"

I spent a year with a friend's family on Thanksgiving so I wouldn't have to spend the American holiday alone. When this came on the television it was time for silence as their 65 year old grandfather watched it as some would stop to watch a televised orchestra play a well liked tune. It was clear where @MeekoDev got her sense of taste and culture.  

Red Hot Chili Peppers-"Under The Bridge"

I think these symptoms are more aggravating to me because as I'm getting my life settled at its new state and enjoying my new routine this comes through and reminds me that I'm not a normal person with a normal routine. It throws me off. The good thing in this is that I am seeing that there is so much left in my regular  routine that can be interrupted. Also, now that I know these symptoms, I can recognize it for what it is and go on.

Paul Young-"(Wherever I Lay My Hat) That's My Home"

A year ago I would have sworn this is my theme song.

Its nice to have grown enough to say it no longer is.

Well, I'm going to leave you now. See you tomorrow.

You figure out why.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.