Introspection

This is another one of the "OMG I miss Dahy and I'm going to write all about it" so if that's not what floats your boat, don't say I didn't warn you.


Before I talk about my friend, first I want to discuss some sleep issues I have been having lately. For over two weeks I was averaging less than two hours a night. These two hours were so fragmented that cycle after cycle I was not entering REM sleep. A mind needs REM to properly sleep. A lack of it can actually cause psychosis. In my case, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Last Monday I finally took so ill I ended up on the lawn slurring my words and my thoughts were completely fragmented. 

The Human League - "You've Lost That Loving Feeling"

While waiting for my psychiatrist to return my call, a friend recommended I call the man who last changed my meds at rehab. I did and he recognized my problem immediately. He put me on a low dose of the antidepressant impramine which I had been switched off when they put me on the Lexapro. We don't know why it took this long to effect me but the point is that less 48 hours later I had two full nights of uninterrupted sleep.



Ever since the ninth my wife and I have been in an extreme funk. It was also Mother's Day on Sunday here in America, and that is a reminder of my mum.Yes, I still miss her. 

The Stone Poneys feat. Linda Ronstadt - "Different Drum"

On the positive side, this was my wife's first Mother's Day since she became pregnant on the 5th of January as well as now being a mother to DJ and Sasha.  

This is probably my favourite women's empowerment song. When my wife had gone back to college I would play this every morning on the drive to her classes. Sunday I put my cellphone with this song playing  on the tray DJ and Sasha used to serve her breakfast in bed. She damn nearly cried.

Peter Gabriel & Youssou N'Dour -"Shaking the Tree"

When I turned into this type of introspective and melancholy mood I began to ponder about the possibility of an afterlife. The more I've thought about it lately, the more I find my mind opening to idea there might be something out there I'm not ready to accept. 

Soulsavers-"Presence of God"

Now with Dahy gone, I do hope one day to be reunited with two important people in my life. To see him and my mum both healthy and no longer having to fight their respective illnesses and demons, well that idea brings peace to my heart. I mean dammit no one should ever have to suffer like they did. Would it be the end of the world if they could actually experience what "should have been" instead of their life just ending when they died. Is that too much to ask for?

Joni Mitchell - "Circle Game"

Especially with the loss of Dahy I've begun to wonder about my lack in a belief in a god, much less all the anger I feel toward things like Huntington's Disease. Have I actually been blaming someone who may not even be responsible. Who ever said that a god is to blame for all the evil this world? 


If anyone ever got the bad end of the stick in life, it was Dahy. Yet he still managed to find some peace of mind in his church. So do his children. In fact, just recently Sasha told me she looks forward to going to church because its where she feels closest to her father. I find that bizarre just based on her age. Seven year old's can't grasp the ideas around most of the rituals and god talk yet, so I think there is something else going on. I do know that she thinks that's the one place her dad always found his centre (as she calls it "his calm").

Wilson Phillips - "Hold On"

I once heard a Catholic Priest speak on evil and the bad things that happen to us. He said that evil was brought on when Adam and Eve committed their big sin. The kicker is that this man went on to say that many people are uncomfortable with the thought of God not stepping in at that time. However, if he had then he would have taken away their free will. If he took that away, Adam and Eve wouldn't have been made in his image. God did have free will, after all and he made man and woman, not robot. 

STYX - "Mr. Roboto"

So combine what would have been David's 39th birthday followed four days later by Mother's Day and its been a bit sad of a week. Not depressed. Just introspective and melancholy. Obviously I've been doing a lot of thinking too. 

Nina Simone-"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

This next song reminds me of Jane's recent trip to New Orleans. I have never heard this version before tonight. It also reminds me of Jan and Stella of HDTrainwreck. Their father, who has Huntington's Disease, has always been a big Animals fan.

The Animals-"House Of The Rising Sun (live)"

The home network went out last weekend, so we've been without internet access except for our telephones. Once I got that needed sleep yesterday I went straight to work on fixing it. Since my primary computer has been locked down for some odd bios password issue I don't have the ability to get to any of my data. I'm currently on an old laptop. At least the important parts like Word and the DVD player work on this old one.

Well, my eyes are falling down. So off I'm going to try and get a nap in. Right now, I want every inch of sleep I can get.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

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No Tube For Paul

I'm back from our honeymoon, getting used to my Kindle while I subscribe to two Facebook feeds that review and link to free books at Amazon (Pixel of Ink & EReader News Today) .along with a third that alerts me to Amazon's Free Paid Android App of the Day. These keep me busy.

City Hall, Main Street, Disneyland
© Paul Ware 2011

The free paid apps are pretty good ones. Yesterday was a DreamWorks game based on the Puss-in-Boots character and today it was Monopoly. I also found a free app that turns my Droid into a FM radio. I really recommend Tunein Radio.


Now before we go any further I want to let you know I'll get some photos we took, up later in the week.





Jane started the hormone shots for the PGD-IVF four nights ago so in ten to thirteen days if all goes well they will transfer two embryos. I can't believe how quick this process is. Then we'll  have to wait two weeks to see if either of them attached to her uterine wall. I have already crossed my fingers. I never thought I'd say this but both of us really want this baby. In fact, I've already bought a couple toys for the nursery!

I have terrible anxiety again today. Its so bad I can't get off the bed to use the bathroom. I took my PRN and it hasn't touched it so I just took a second dose. Its time to remove caffeine from my diet which sucks as I love my morning coffee.

Human League-"One Man In My Heart"

After doing some research and communication with other people who have HD I have decided I will not be getting the feeding tube. The risk of aspiration is not reduced and in some cases can even go up. I don't know what my doctors were thinking when it was recommended I get it to avoid aspiration pneumonia when science says the opposite.

This was been something I had major concerns about. Once I had the tube placed my end of life decisions would have been limited.  Now I can continue on without having my whole life and personal values turned upside down. No more fears of being kept alive when the only thing between me and the natural progression of life and death is a plastic tube.

Our triple feature tonight is The Animals

"

The Animals-:"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

The Animals-"House of The Rising Sun"

Doesn't the man introducing this look like Willy Wonka?

The Animals-"When I Was Young"

So Jane and I broke open the Cuisinart. Its time for my food to be cut into smaller pieces that I can control and prevent from going down the wrong way. I also thicken my liquid. Its even in my Hawaiian Punch on my bedside table.

 All I care about is that I don't die from breathing in food.  I want to be a father to my child.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too. 

Please emotions, kick me in the pants again

Really suffering from a lack of get up and go lately. I want to blame it on depression but I don't know if that what's causing it.

U2-The Refugee

Her Momma says one day she's going to live in America

I had a couple basic errands I put off today for no reason at all. I was saying the reason for my delay was because I was charging my smartphone but  it started charging at 50% which was fine for the two hours I was gone.

U2-Stay Faraway (So Close)

Today is the first day in a long time that the house felt empty while Jane was at work. Usually I feel fine doing my own thing as I've always been happy with my solitary time. Today I felt the empty walls. It could be simply everything that's been on my mind lately. That can do it to anyone.

As much as I didn't use my auto, I do miss driving. The public transportation system here outright sucks. The bus line stops running into my neighborhood at 6 pm. There is one bus that runs into Santa Barbara after that, and it runs at 7:30. The good thing is it always makes sure I'm home for dinner.

Phil Collins-"In the Air Tonight"

Some days I really miss working. I loved that job. It was fulfilling to do that type of work. Although much of it was naturally solitary, at times I also worked the circulation desk and had interactions with many of the students. Also, this time of the semester they would come pouring in as they began research for their term papers. One of my jobs was, naturally, to help them find what they needed. Surprisingly, most students did not go back to the reference desk but went straight to the shelves. How many times I came to  help a poor lost student find what they needed I can't count.

Eminem-"Not Afraid"

I love the above song, actually the whole album, because he speaks of working on improving himself. That is a message we all can learn from. Specifically I've always been impressed with what he says about getting rid of his demons. 

Heaven 17-Geisha Boys and Temple Girls 

Just because I can slip it in here

Human League-"Deep Feeling (Fascination)

This song has a long history with me. I owned the EP back home. I didn't move my vinyl music with me as I thought the temperature would ruin it anyway. This was among those I planned to replace once I settled down. What I didn't plan on was that America doesn't sell the EP. Its not a popular format here. This song wasn't featured on their first several greatest hits collection for some unknown reason. So I was stuck without my favorite song for a decade.

Finally I found a new "Very Best of" collection on CD. This did have the elusive track. So I purchased straight off at the Amazon website. This was back in the day, mind you, when Amazon only sold books and music.

I much preferred this performance to the actual video. Its fun to watch the vocal travel down the line as each sings their lines. It was a bit of an ensemble piece, which one doesn't find often in popular music. Its also the last great  piece by this incarnation of the band 

As much as I like the three L's -Louise, Life on My Own, Lebanon- I abhor Hysteria. Its one of crappest albums they've made and if you've heard Crash you know that's saying a hell of a lot. Its no wonder they went into a tailspin after those two albums  (two members left, JoAnne had a nervous breakdown and her house & bandmate Philip suffered from a severe depressive episode). 

Another elusive EP is the brilliant Magical Mystery Tour by the Beatles which was only released as a full sized LP in the States, losing the feel of the original.

The Beatles-"Your Mother Should Know"

Tonight turned into something absolutely horrid. Jane came home early from work, and I  walked in the door soon after from some errands. First off was the announcement that she telephoned Kris (pseudonym), an ex-lover of mine. We had an eight year relationship that ended when she got knocked up by another bloke and wanted me to raise her child. I refused but we managed to part on amicable terms and I keep in touch twice a year as godfather to her son. The amazing thing is the lad is more religious than either of us, which says a lot considering most of my adult live I considered myself an atheist. 

Anyway, Jane called her and they had a "nice chat". I bet it was.  Kris and I broke up primarily because of my refusal to raise her baby, but my drinking played too large a role in that relationship for it to survive. I'm the first to admit that fault. 

Jane told Kris of her engagement and wanted to know if Kris felt there was something she needed to know. Kris did what most jilted lover's would do, she laid out every horrid thing in our relationship and then some. 

The Beatles-"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

Jane finally confronted me with "She told me you never mentioned you were at risk of getting Huntington's Disease to her" which was the truth. There was no reason too. I couldn't father children, so I wasn't going to pass anything on to her offspring. I wasn't symptomatic (that I was aware of) so no issue there. I wasn't in a relationship I expected to be in for the rest of my life so no "trust" issues. 

I spent the middle part of my life running from this disease, I wasn't going to shout from the rooftops about it. Not then, unlike now. I figured if I mentioned it she would run to the hills.

Twenty-two years ago there wasn't the support for people "at risk" that there is today. We lived in closets, hiding out.  We didn't fit in either side of the spectrum. If I didn't have HD, then what was there to worry about?

SuperTramp-"Take the Long Way Home"

So now Jane is thinking if I could "hide" something like that from Kris that I would hide something like it from her. If only she would understand how different my relationship with her is from the ones I've had before. How different I am as well. Instead, my impression is she's thinking I'm going to betray her.

The last few days have been very emotional. Good and Bad, but not indifferent. Yesterday night we went out and I bought her engagement ring. Its beautiful and exactly what she wanted. Saturday was another matter. 

You know what? This isn't worth it. I'm going to go and eat my words. Tell her how very sorry I am she's feeling betrayed. Because you know what? I am sorry she feels that way. Its a sucky way to feel. 

I probably haven't been on my best behaviour either. The tears on my pillowcase should be telling me that

The insurance is giving me hiccups on my antidepressant, making tonight the third night I haven't taken it. The chemist told me today that if it isn't covered by tomorrow he'll fill a few tomorrow 9 a.m. sharp to hold me over. It would have been nice if the man working Saturday had offered but why look a gift horse in the mouth.

The first of two brilliant songs about New Orleans

The Animals-"House of The Rising Sun"

So out I trot to the living room to find my fiancee crying? WTF had Kris told her besides the drinking, leaving her in time of need (she was the one sleeping around), and the HD. No one upsets Jane without going through me. I go from repentant to pissed in point five seconds. 

Ike & Tina Turner-"Proud Mary"

It turns out that Kris had told Jane that I had slept around on her. I did a lot of things in that relationship but one thing I didn't do was sleep around. This was the height of AIDS paranoia when OMG it was infecting the straight population. There was no way I was sleeping around. So Jane was crying thinking I might have done the same to her. I was shocked, and sad, but mostly just angry.  I think my instantaneous anger towards Kris for lying answered any question in her mind about whether I would ever sleep around on her. 

I still told her about the antidepressant, and she said that made a lot of sense as I've seemed slightly off kilter the last few days. We decided to take the dinners that we'd been cooking parallel to each other, and eat together and then watch Pollock. Its a favourite of mine that she's never seen before. I was surprised to hear that she wanted to see it, but she said a friend at work had also spoken highly of Ed Harris' dream film. 

Not many actors would be willing to call in their chips to make a film about a painter. I think it says a lot about Harris's character. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it.

On that note, its been a very long day for me. I'm heading out of here to grab dinner, a movie and some good company before I fall dead asleep.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.