Please emotions, kick me in the pants again

Really suffering from a lack of get up and go lately. I want to blame it on depression but I don't know if that what's causing it.

U2-The Refugee

Her Momma says one day she's going to live in America

I had a couple basic errands I put off today for no reason at all. I was saying the reason for my delay was because I was charging my smartphone but  it started charging at 50% which was fine for the two hours I was gone.

U2-Stay Faraway (So Close)

Today is the first day in a long time that the house felt empty while Jane was at work. Usually I feel fine doing my own thing as I've always been happy with my solitary time. Today I felt the empty walls. It could be simply everything that's been on my mind lately. That can do it to anyone.

As much as I didn't use my auto, I do miss driving. The public transportation system here outright sucks. The bus line stops running into my neighborhood at 6 pm. There is one bus that runs into Santa Barbara after that, and it runs at 7:30. The good thing is it always makes sure I'm home for dinner.

Phil Collins-"In the Air Tonight"

Some days I really miss working. I loved that job. It was fulfilling to do that type of work. Although much of it was naturally solitary, at times I also worked the circulation desk and had interactions with many of the students. Also, this time of the semester they would come pouring in as they began research for their term papers. One of my jobs was, naturally, to help them find what they needed. Surprisingly, most students did not go back to the reference desk but went straight to the shelves. How many times I came to  help a poor lost student find what they needed I can't count.

Eminem-"Not Afraid"

I love the above song, actually the whole album, because he speaks of working on improving himself. That is a message we all can learn from. Specifically I've always been impressed with what he says about getting rid of his demons. 

Heaven 17-Geisha Boys and Temple Girls 

Just because I can slip it in here

Human League-"Deep Feeling (Fascination)

This song has a long history with me. I owned the EP back home. I didn't move my vinyl music with me as I thought the temperature would ruin it anyway. This was among those I planned to replace once I settled down. What I didn't plan on was that America doesn't sell the EP. Its not a popular format here. This song wasn't featured on their first several greatest hits collection for some unknown reason. So I was stuck without my favorite song for a decade.

Finally I found a new "Very Best of" collection on CD. This did have the elusive track. So I purchased straight off at the Amazon website. This was back in the day, mind you, when Amazon only sold books and music.

I much preferred this performance to the actual video. Its fun to watch the vocal travel down the line as each sings their lines. It was a bit of an ensemble piece, which one doesn't find often in popular music. Its also the last great  piece by this incarnation of the band 

As much as I like the three L's -Louise, Life on My Own, Lebanon- I abhor Hysteria. Its one of crappest albums they've made and if you've heard Crash you know that's saying a hell of a lot. Its no wonder they went into a tailspin after those two albums  (two members left, JoAnne had a nervous breakdown and her house & bandmate Philip suffered from a severe depressive episode). 

Another elusive EP is the brilliant Magical Mystery Tour by the Beatles which was only released as a full sized LP in the States, losing the feel of the original.

The Beatles-"Your Mother Should Know"

Tonight turned into something absolutely horrid. Jane came home early from work, and I  walked in the door soon after from some errands. First off was the announcement that she telephoned Kris (pseudonym), an ex-lover of mine. We had an eight year relationship that ended when she got knocked up by another bloke and wanted me to raise her child. I refused but we managed to part on amicable terms and I keep in touch twice a year as godfather to her son. The amazing thing is the lad is more religious than either of us, which says a lot considering most of my adult live I considered myself an atheist. 

Anyway, Jane called her and they had a "nice chat". I bet it was.  Kris and I broke up primarily because of my refusal to raise her baby, but my drinking played too large a role in that relationship for it to survive. I'm the first to admit that fault. 

Jane told Kris of her engagement and wanted to know if Kris felt there was something she needed to know. Kris did what most jilted lover's would do, she laid out every horrid thing in our relationship and then some. 

The Beatles-"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

Jane finally confronted me with "She told me you never mentioned you were at risk of getting Huntington's Disease to her" which was the truth. There was no reason too. I couldn't father children, so I wasn't going to pass anything on to her offspring. I wasn't symptomatic (that I was aware of) so no issue there. I wasn't in a relationship I expected to be in for the rest of my life so no "trust" issues. 

I spent the middle part of my life running from this disease, I wasn't going to shout from the rooftops about it. Not then, unlike now. I figured if I mentioned it she would run to the hills.

Twenty-two years ago there wasn't the support for people "at risk" that there is today. We lived in closets, hiding out.  We didn't fit in either side of the spectrum. If I didn't have HD, then what was there to worry about?

SuperTramp-"Take the Long Way Home"

So now Jane is thinking if I could "hide" something like that from Kris that I would hide something like it from her. If only she would understand how different my relationship with her is from the ones I've had before. How different I am as well. Instead, my impression is she's thinking I'm going to betray her.

The last few days have been very emotional. Good and Bad, but not indifferent. Yesterday night we went out and I bought her engagement ring. Its beautiful and exactly what she wanted. Saturday was another matter. 

You know what? This isn't worth it. I'm going to go and eat my words. Tell her how very sorry I am she's feeling betrayed. Because you know what? I am sorry she feels that way. Its a sucky way to feel. 

I probably haven't been on my best behaviour either. The tears on my pillowcase should be telling me that

The insurance is giving me hiccups on my antidepressant, making tonight the third night I haven't taken it. The chemist told me today that if it isn't covered by tomorrow he'll fill a few tomorrow 9 a.m. sharp to hold me over. It would have been nice if the man working Saturday had offered but why look a gift horse in the mouth.

The first of two brilliant songs about New Orleans

The Animals-"House of The Rising Sun"

So out I trot to the living room to find my fiancee crying? WTF had Kris told her besides the drinking, leaving her in time of need (she was the one sleeping around), and the HD. No one upsets Jane without going through me. I go from repentant to pissed in point five seconds. 

Ike & Tina Turner-"Proud Mary"

It turns out that Kris had told Jane that I had slept around on her. I did a lot of things in that relationship but one thing I didn't do was sleep around. This was the height of AIDS paranoia when OMG it was infecting the straight population. There was no way I was sleeping around. So Jane was crying thinking I might have done the same to her. I was shocked, and sad, but mostly just angry.  I think my instantaneous anger towards Kris for lying answered any question in her mind about whether I would ever sleep around on her. 

I still told her about the antidepressant, and she said that made a lot of sense as I've seemed slightly off kilter the last few days. We decided to take the dinners that we'd been cooking parallel to each other, and eat together and then watch Pollock. Its a favourite of mine that she's never seen before. I was surprised to hear that she wanted to see it, but she said a friend at work had also spoken highly of Ed Harris' dream film. 

Not many actors would be willing to call in their chips to make a film about a painter. I think it says a lot about Harris's character. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it.

On that note, its been a very long day for me. I'm heading out of here to grab dinner, a movie and some good company before I fall dead asleep.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.

Mum

The weather is raining, and it matches my mood. I'm really depressed. My mum has been on my mind today. So many fleeting memories of her, and its making me miss her so very much.


I remember moving up to Sheffield and all my Mum wanted in her house was a flower garden in the window. She told my father over and over that he could have the rest of the house but she wanted her window. For the life of me I could not understand her obsession with the window. Its only now as an adult that I understand she was already suffering from depression due to Huntington's Disease and the sunlight in this window helped make her feel better. 

Stone Ponys-"Different Drummer"

Through all of this, my older brother Peter complained he didn't want to move. He wanted to stay in Leicester, to finish his schooling. Oh how they fought. Then Mum began crying and would leave the room. She didn't want anyone to see her crying. I always thought her reactions were inappropriate to the fighting. It wasn't until several years later that I learned she knew this as well, which is why she would leave the room.

Johnny Cash & Linda Ronstadt - "I Never Will Marry"

I found out a few years later when she and I had fought. She ran from the room crying and me, being the insensitive boy that I was, I went running after her. That's also when I first heard on this Huntington's Disease. Until that fateful day her and my dad had hid this from us.

Murray Head-"One Night In Bangkok (Extended Mix)"

The intro on this is fantastic. That alone is worth

the price of admission.

She never used the words "Huntington's Disease" that day, she just referred to it as the disease she got from her father. I was such a teenager I thought she meant she got it from him like a person gets an STD. Boy did she have to set me straight with what she meant.

Play that again Sam

Vinylshakerz-"One Night in Bangkok"

"No No Paul" I can still hear her voice in my head. "Nothing like that. Its just something genetic. That means that my dad had it and passed it on to me."  I can still feel the hammer slam down when she said that. So many thoughts rushed through my head. Did that mean she would die of this, would I get it too since my mother had it, what about my brother?

Thompson Twins-"You Bring Me Up" Christmas 1984 TOTP

Yes, that is Holly Johnson of Frankie Goes to Hollywood

doing the introduction.

I didn't ask my mum those questions that fateful day in her bedroom. In fact, I never asked them of her. I went to the school library but they never heard of an emotional disease you get from your parents. I hadn't known my grandfather in many years, but I do remember his shaking and that he could barely talk. I asked about that and librarian gave me some books on Parkinson's Disease. I looked at them briefly, and told her that this wasn't what my Mum has, she was crying all the time too. 

Three weeks later I was in my English class when a hall monitor came inside my classroom. She had a request slip and called out my name. I was fearful of what I had been accused of doing, and dropped a school book as I was trying to put my items away.  The poor monitor must have seen my face as she explained that the librarian had requested my presence. At this, my English teacher took a different tack and put a friendly smile on his face.

Band-Aid- "Do They Know Its Christmas?"

So off I trotted with my slip to see the Librarian. It has seemed like an eon had passed since I last visited her and I had no idea why she would want to see me.

I walked in and handed her my pass. She smiled at me, and asked me to take a seat. Then she told me that she saw a show the night before and it may have answered my question. She asked if I had ever heard of Huntington's Disease. I told her it didn't ring a bell, and then she got out a book and it described my mother to a T. I slowly nodded to her to keep reading and she finished the whole description. At the end it her medical dictionary described my grandfather's condition when I last saw him. 

Here was this poor woman basically becoming my genetic counselor. She explained to me the disease, that it was terminal, that a child appeared to have a 50% chance of getting it and that it occurred generally after childbearing years. 

Queen feat. David Bowie & Annie Lennox - "Under Pressure"

I have wondered how she came across the decision to share this information with me. She could have easily ignored what she saw on the telly and changed the channel. She could have ignored my previous request for information.  Instead, she felt that an informed child would best serve society. She is my role model when I worked in the library myself. I feel an informed student will best serve society.

I never brought that information to my mum, but I did ask my father when he came home from work. I outright asked him if Mum had Huntington's. He looked at me straight in the eye and asked where I heard that term. I told him I found it in the library,not an entire lie but I didn't want to get the librarian in trouble. My father went  on to confirm that was what my mum was suffering from. I then asked Dad if that means my brothers, sisters or I could get it. He slowly nodded in the affirmative. It was the saddest I've ever seen him except when he lost mum.

Billy Joel-"Pressure"

I read Time Magazine, What does it mean?

From that time forward, I had a new respect for my mum. She was fighting this beast all alone. No one was there supporting her because we all were supposed to ignore the beast in the room. I learned that the day I talked about it with Dad. HD were forbidden words in my house. Its something that every day I try to break with tradition. 

Elton John-"Levon"

Notice how distinctive this song is? Three notes on the piano and

the audience starts cheering Elton on. Beautiful and moving.

this is what music should be.

The day Mum took her life I remember coming home from school. There was just something different. I could tell you what it was, but it was an absence. There was no natural noise of a home being lived in, no smell of cooking, no expectant parent waiting to sit over homework. I remember dropping my schoolbag and knocking on my own house's door. I don't know why I did that. I just know that I did. As if in a bad dream nobody answered. I knocked again. Then I went in. I went through the living room to the kitchen. No food, no  cooking. Everything was cleaned as if expecting a guest. I went back into the living room and then knocking on my parent's bedroom. There was no answer at the closed door.

I was going to wait until Peter came home but he was out on the football team and wouldn't be home for several more hours. I knocked at her door again. Now I was getting fearful. I didn't know of what but I was scared. Finally I opened up the bedroom door. Then I don't remember anything else until I arrived at my neighbor's house. The Mitchell's were always so kind and that's where I must have felt safe for it into their home that I ran. 

Poor Mrs. Mitchell had to deal with me. I was screaming, and running like no tomorrow. She managed to get some tea down me and had me tell her my story. She then called the police and I remember her telling them it was "a suicide" and "appeared to be a gunshot". Then she called my father, who promptly came to get me. I don't know where we were going as home was not convenient but Dad just took me out for a quick snack and then we sat in the car. 

Elton John-"Daniel"

One of the best Daniels, and I've heard a lot of them

When the police came I repeated my story and then went inside to confirm it. Then my dad asked if we could go, and we went to his office so he could bury his head in his work and we wouldn't see them remove Mum from her home for the last time.

We picked Peter and then went to the daycare where I youngest sister was. From there we all went out to eat as Dad told everyone what had occurred during the day. I just felt empty. 

I was always closest to Mum. She was the parent that I confided in. She made the best gingerbread cookies. All these random thoughts came in my head, and sometimes still do. Most important, it all just up and disappeared. The person who made me feel whole was gone. That part of my heart remained empty until a few months ago when I finally found someone I could trust again.

Elton John - "Your Song"

My life went downhill for a number of years. Took my O's and barely passed them. Then instead of going to my As I dropped out. I took menial jobs before eventually attempting a geographic cure in the United States. 

Phil Collins-"Take Me Home"

Here the audience knows the song after a few hits on the drum.

Take me home, since I don't remember

I've been a prisoner all my life,

By now I was drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.I started early and drank everyday. Then one day I ran onto the 101. I don't know what I was thinking, if I just wanted to end it all or if I just wanted my life to be over but either way I ended up in the local psychiatric ward when I came out of my blackout. 

It was there that I realized I needed to get my life together. With a psychiatrist I found the strength in me to go back to school.I finished my education after receiving a Bachelor's degree in Library Science. From there I applied for a job at the local library in the City College. I worked there until my depression and anxiety became debilitating and I applied for and received disability based on the years I had paid into the Social Security system. I also received my green card while in school which allowed me to accept some financial aide as well as allowing me to live here safely without fear of being deported. 

Phil Collins-"In The Air Tonight (Live)"

After 9/11 the government became suspicious of those holding education or working visas. I had several visits from government officials until I received my green card.  

Tears for Fears-"Shout"

Since that day I ran into the motorway have I ever thought about suicide? Yes I have. I would seriously consider it except it would affect too many people that love me. I wouldn't want anyone to walk in to find me dead. That is not fair to them. If there was a peaceful way to go then I would grab it in a heartbeat. I know how to go, the question is would I do it? In all honesty I can't answer that. I would ask Jane to be involved for the simple reason I don't want her to come home to find me dead. On the other hand, its not fair to her to take care of me when my condition deteriorates. In all honesty I don't want to ever get to that point. Would I rather be dead then to be where my grandfather was, yes I would. 

Billy Idol-"Eyes Without a Face"

I'm not there yet, so my mind is still open. When the time comes I'll talk about with Jane, but not until then. I want to spend the time I have without this specter hanging over us.I'm selfish and I want this time to be as carefree as possible.

I love the Pet Shop Boys, then and now

Pet Shop Boys-"West End Girls"

Tomorrow I have a few errands to run, and then after work Jane and I are going to through our bookcase and donating some books to the People's Library in New York. The Operation Wall Street Library has been destroyed by the police. These books were literally thrown in the trash and ruined. When some books were recovered they threw them in the trash again. We thought mailing them our books would be a good way of supporting the movement.

Imogen Heap-Hide and Seek

Take care, thanks for reading and G'nite

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.