The life of a man suffering from Huntington's Disease, a genetic and fatal illness. Every child of a HD parent has a 50 % chance of suffering from this fatal degenerative neurological illness.
This is the story of one such person.
Yesterday morning I had a visit to my doctor to remove one of two chest tubes from my pneumonia. By the time I was home I was so exhausted I couldn't walk to the mailbox. Yet an hour later my wife and I were in a rental car on our way to Culver City.
This was just the beginning on an extremely stressful day. It appears that sometime around the middle of the night Saturday, Dahy had been released from medical detox. It must have been amicable as he left with what appears to be a prorated check from the facility. From there, he managed to enter another town without his vehicle (which was still in the original parking place when Jane and I found it yesterday night.) He deposited the check, made a sizable withdrawal at a busy ATM location and from there disappeared.
U2 featuring Johnny Cash-"The Wanderer"
Sometime within the next 48 hours he was received and admitted as a John Doe into a major medical facility outside of Los Angeles. He was not able to speak not think independently. Since he had no identification on him, the hospital did not know he was a hospice patient and he was placed in the ICU. (Some of his identifying information including his wallet (minus the cash), watch and wedding ring were located by Jane inside the Lexus. Our thinking is that Dahy thought it was safer there than wherever he went himself.) Once admitted to the facility was suffering from a few separate medical conditions including the pneumonia he had transferred to me. Yes, it had attacked his ravaged immune system again.
Joni Mitchell-"Circle Games"
Then the next evening a nurse came in that knew him from a previous lifetime ago. Specifically she recognized his face and tattoos (yes, your mother warned you to be careful what you put on your body-it does follow you for the rest of you life). To be exact she remembered small facial scar and a tattoo that had among other choice letters included the full F word. She managed an early morning call at his former employer in the Los Angeles area who as it happened had purchased the company he currently was working for on a contractual basis. They called Ms. K and notified her of her husband's positive location. Once she had determined it was him, she called Jane and I. With the twins, it would not make sense for her to come down to the area to drive him home. Against my better judgement, I agreed we would pick up Dahy and the Lexis. Big mistake.
First, I need make an apology. This entry was due to be published on the 28 February 2012. Due to technological and physical circumstances (I had finished publishing it on my phone driving down to Los Angeles) it was incorrectly saved as a draft. Another kind member alerted me to this fact and I now have the laptop to currently publish this.
Without much notice another terminally ill friend of mine had been hospitalized without knowledge. His wife and my family tracked him down and he is now with all of us as he finishes his life journey.
So off to Ground Rounds it is. I must admit I didn't expect to be reediting it with two six year old twins and my best friend all cramped into a bed, but whatever works, right?
There were so many good choices this week I'm going to start with this gem that came across my twitter.
The Kinks-"Lola"
Note, this song was chosen because it is actually a favourite of the my female friend described below.
"The problem with gender identity disorder is that it makes no distinction between the child who expresses a yearning to be of the opposite gender simply because these kinds of utterances have been reinforced, and the child who has perhaps some genuine biological anomaly. As with all DSM “diagnoses,” if you emit thebehavior, you’ve got the illness. And of course if you’ve got the illness, then you need to be treated!"
I chooce this piece because I do have a friend who had sexual reassignment surgery. He went from a very unhappy man to a very productive female member of society. Hickey does bring up important fact though about when it becomes a disorder for small children to begin hormone and other medical treatment. I highly recommend this thought provoking piece.
U2 ft. Johnny Cash -"The Wanderer"
This next article from Colorado Health Insurance Insider is very interesting on many fronts. This program promised many good things, but as the article mentions
"the Colorado health benefits exchange “…will not be connected to the long-troubled Colorado Benefits Management System, which handles food assistance and Medicaid.” I’m not sure what ” not connected” means here… whether the exchange will provide no enrollment material for people who qualify for public assistance, or whether some other program will stand in for the Colorado Benefits Management System in order to make the exchange interoperable (or integrated) with Colorado’s public benefits programs."
I know that this is a case I will be following closely and thank Louise and The Colorado Insurance Insider for bringing it to my attention.
Having had to personally experience as a client of both well run as well as broken down benefit services this may be the deal breaker in the Colorado program. In addition if it is another agency will it stand in the way making it harder for those in need to get the help and benefits by having to visit another agency?
On one final note, some of you may be aware February 29 is Rare Gene Disease Day. My disorder, Huntington's Disease is covered under this umbrella. If you would like to know more, at the top of my blog banner is a link that will share a bit more information.
Again, thank everyone at Grand Rounds for allowing me this opportunity as well as understanding during this stressful time in my life.
Most of yesterday is a blur. A migraine set in and the pain was controlling me. I was constantly drinking coffee, which is why at 6 am I am still awake.
Depeche Mode - "Blasphemous Rumors"
When I don't feel good there is something soothing in David Gahan's voice. Maybe it is just that it reminds my body of times when life was so much easier, I don't know, All I know is my body and mind react to it. This is by far my favourite song of Depeche Mode. How true I find the lyrics. Come on, God would have to be twisted to allow so many people get sick with diseases like Huntington's which kills by destroying one's sense of self.
I think that God has a sick sense of humour
And when I die I expect to find him laughing.
Yes I know its not the most popular view, but it is mine.
Hiem and Phil Oakey-"2AM"
I can't stop playing this great song. I blogged it last time, but here it is again. You can purchase the awesome 12" CD here. If you read this blog you probably know I don't generally listen to much current music but this song has been on repeat whenever my head let me listen to music.
Bryan Ferry-"Taxi"
Something about Bryan Ferry's voice is so calming when I'm having a day where my nerves are everywhere. I feel that type of day coming on. I'm so stressed and feel out of control. The coffee and HD are not always good partners. They play off each other if I drink too much, and I had over 8 coffee mugs full yesterday.
Blondie-"Heart of Glass"
If you are looking for a great stereo recording, this isn't it. Its mono and limited in range. This actually gives this version a feel of vinyl which is how this song was recorded to sound. I love Debra Harry, she also has a lift-the-spirits vibe to her.
Depression 5
Anxiety 3
Well, the sun is rising, its a brand new day. I'm going to go into with a positive attitude. Its important for me to do that when possible. Its one of the few things I have control over. Music is so very important to maintaining this attitude.
Juice Newton-"Angel in The Morning"
G'Morning from Sunny California
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First, don't bring up the Sheffield United loss to Charlton. We don't discuss that in my house.
Lately I have been up most nights, and getting a few hours of sleep in the early morning. I'm averaging five hours a day and am dragging all the time.
Depeche Mode-"What's Your Name?"
Being a fan of the Beach Boys and Jan & Dean
I really love the way Vince Clarke
captured that carefree vibe and vocals.
I think this is due my lack of activity. There just isn't that much that interests me which I can do right now. For example, I generally go to the shopping centre several times a week. Its nearby and I can pick up a few items and bring them home. I also need to go out to buy my smokes. I purposely only purchase a pack at a time so that I am forced out of the house, if it were, by my nicotine addiction.
Human League-"Path of Least Resistance"
This title speaks for itself.
Currently I can't enter stores. They use florescent lighting and those are known seizure triggers. Until I can safely reintroduce them to my life the stores are out. Until three days ago all back-lit devices were out. That included my telephone and all of the apps that were installed on it. It included both my original mp3 player and my Droid. All music had to be played via my laptop, which had been introduced to me the day of my last seizure. Two days ago I got back my Kindle. As you know that is the only device I can read with for any period of time if I want to understand what I'm reading. Oh, and yesterday I got the TV back.
U2--"Ultraviolet (Live in Sheffield)"
But the thing is this. even when I want to go shopping at ten in the evening and cant get my groceries there is still a lot I can do. So why am I focusing on the negative?
The reason I'm doing this is two fold. First, the negative is much more visible for its the most obvious right now. I WAS just denied a trip to the store. I was NOT just given a game of chess on the computer, knitting in front of the home theare setup I installed the speakers for last night, listening to the entire Human League and Depeche Mode catalogs or sitting at the computer blogging. So of course I'm going to be more focused on the negative. The second reason is that since I have a tendency towards depression, I'm more focused om the negative. It just makes things mentally easier.
Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers-"Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive"
To this day when I think of Johnny Mercer my brain goes back to "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil", one of the best books I have ever read (quite enjoyed the motion picture as well). If I could only recommend one book this would be near the top of that list.
Yesterday I was listening to Radio Sheffield and they had an hour of country music on. So on that note today's double feature is going to be Johnny Cash.
Johnny Cash-"God's Gonna Cut You Down"
This video always seems to get mixed
reviews. Its still one of my all time faves though.
Johnny Cash-"I Won't Back Down"
This is one of my Anti-HD theme songs.
Guess what Huntington's Disease?
I won't back down.
Whenever I play Cash, its like Depeche Mode, almost impossible to pick just two. If you are one of the few not familar with Johnny Cash I highly recommend you put his name into YouTube and give yourself at least an hour of uninterrupted time to enjoy this American legend.
Waylon Jennings & Willie Nelson-"Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys"
This song brings back so many memories. It was released when I was about 8
and played on the radio. My Mum used to sing it around our home.
I always think of her when I hear this song, even though for a period
of time, I lived always moving around.
Human League-"Life On My Own"
Perhaps simply because my life is concentrated on what I can't do right now, this song is moving me more emotionally than it usually does. I'm also homesick. I really need to get to Sheffield. I find myself calling Peter, my brother, more than usual as well as looking at videos that feature the city.
Just a few days ago I was talking with @OccupySheffield and a friend about the interesting way Sheffield is a concrete jungle while still having historical buildings. Here is an example, featuring the old Salvation Army Citadel.
Photo from @OccupySheffield
To the left you see a building in total contrast
to the Citadel. I love this area of the city.
That is one reason I love the Blind Youth video so much and feature it here probably more than any other. I should have known how homesick I was when I had a dream about the building featured in this video a few months ago.
If you remember at one point I was planning to visit but then life took a turn, with a marriage and planned ceremony. Soon thereafter my wife became pregnant. I still need to visit, and we are making tentative plans to fly in a week before our wedding ceremony and spend some time with my nieces and nephews. Then we'll all fly to California together.
Human League-"Interface"
More photos of Sheffield
Since I'm obviously in the mood to post multiple videos by various artists today here are the Pet Shop Boys, and as this plays I'll get back to discussing Sheffield.
Pet Shop Boys-"Always On My Mind"
If I had my way, I'd be on a flight next week. Its just not an option for me. My wife hasn't been feeling well, having a bout of morning sickness the last few days. Although I do seem to be drain on her I just can't see getting up and leaving. No matter what, my first obligation is to her right now.
Pet Shop Boys-"West End Girls (Dance Mix)"
This is very different from the standard we are used
to hearing, give it a try and see what you think.
While I was writing this I got a call from my shrink. It seems my test results are in. I'm more that a bit nervous as the last time I was tested it was so stressful. I haven't told Jane yet and don't know if I will until its time for me to leave. He's going to fit me in at 12:30 during his lunch. Its so hard waiting. I'm going to leave this open blog post open until I return.
Speaking of testing, my sister has decided to go ahead and test. Once I find out the date she will be getting the results I'll be flying out to London for the day to be with her as I had promised. I don't want her to feel alone if she receives a positive result. I want her to have someone with her so she knows there is life after a positive result. If she has a negative one, I want to be there to take her out for a celebratory dinner.
[update=
Tears for Fears-"Shout"
I just returned from the doctors. My test results including the Southern Blot came back. It appears this lab also had my strain read too high, but unlike the first test they automatically sent it out for the blot. My CAG came back at 52. Its much higher than I had hoped but considering the age when I first began to show serious psychiatric symptoms it shouldn't come as much of a surprise. For those interested in the CAG age range, here is a chart.
CAG Repeat to Mean Onset Age
Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me. ~Paul]
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The weather is raining, and it matches my mood. I'm really depressed. My mum has been on my mind today. So many fleeting memories of her, and its making me miss her so very much.
I remember moving up to Sheffield and all my Mum wanted in her house was a flower garden in the window. She told my father over and over that he could have the rest of the house but she wanted her window. For the life of me I could not understand her obsession with the window. Its only now as an adult that I understand she was already suffering from depression due to Huntington's Disease and the sunlight in this window helped make her feel better.
Stone Ponys-"Different Drummer"
Through all of this, my older brother Peter complained he didn't want to move. He wanted to stay in Leicester, to finish his schooling. Oh how they fought. Then Mum began crying and would leave the room. She didn't want anyone to see her crying. I always thought her reactions were inappropriate to the fighting. It wasn't until several years later that I learned she knew this as well, which is why she would leave the room.
Johnny Cash & Linda Ronstadt - "I Never Will Marry"
I found out a few years later when she and I had fought. She ran from the room crying and me, being the insensitive boy that I was, I went running after her. That's also when I first heard on this Huntington's Disease. Until that fateful day her and my dad had hid this from us.
Murray Head-"One Night In Bangkok (Extended Mix)"
The intro on this is fantastic. That alone is worth
the price of admission.
She never used the words "Huntington's Disease" that day, she just referred to it as the disease she got from her father. I was such a teenager I thought she meant she got it from him like a person gets an STD. Boy did she have to set me straight with what she meant.
Play that again Sam
Vinylshakerz-"One Night in Bangkok"
"No No Paul" I can still hear her voice in my head. "Nothing like that. Its just something genetic. That means that my dad had it and passed it on to me." I can still feel the hammer slam down when she said that. So many thoughts rushed through my head. Did that mean she would die of this, would I get it too since my mother had it, what about my brother?
Thompson Twins-"You Bring Me Up" Christmas 1984 TOTP
Yes, that is Holly Johnson of Frankie Goes to Hollywood
doing the introduction.
I didn't ask my mum those questions that fateful day in her bedroom. In fact, I never asked them of her. I went to the school library but they never heard of an emotional disease you get from your parents. I hadn't known my grandfather in many years, but I do remember his shaking and that he could barely talk. I asked about that and librarian gave me some books on Parkinson's Disease. I looked at them briefly, and told her that this wasn't what my Mum has, she was crying all the time too.
Three weeks later I was in my English class when a hall monitor came inside my classroom. She had a request slip and called out my name. I was fearful of what I had been accused of doing, and dropped a school book as I was trying to put my items away. The poor monitor must have seen my face as she explained that the librarian had requested my presence. At this, my English teacher took a different tack and put a friendly smile on his face.
Band-Aid- "Do They Know Its Christmas?"
So off I trotted with my slip to see the Librarian. It has seemed like an eon had passed since I last visited her and I had no idea why she would want to see me.
I walked in and handed her my pass. She smiled at me, and asked me to take a seat. Then she told me that she saw a show the night before and it may have answered my question. She asked if I had ever heard of Huntington's Disease. I told her it didn't ring a bell, and then she got out a book and it described my mother to a T. I slowly nodded to her to keep reading and she finished the whole description. At the end it her medical dictionary described my grandfather's condition when I last saw him.
Here was this poor woman basically becoming my genetic counselor. She explained to me the disease, that it was terminal, that a child appeared to have a 50% chance of getting it and that it occurred generally after childbearing years.
Queen feat. David Bowie & Annie Lennox - "Under Pressure"
I have wondered how she came across the decision to share this information with me. She could have easily ignored what she saw on the telly and changed the channel. She could have ignored my previous request for information. Instead, she felt that an informed child would best serve society. She is my role model when I worked in the library myself. I feel an informed student will best serve society.
I never brought that information to my mum, but I did ask my father when he came home from work. I outright asked him if Mum had Huntington's. He looked at me straight in the eye and asked where I heard that term. I told him I found it in the library,not an entire lie but I didn't want to get the librarian in trouble. My father went on to confirm that was what my mum was suffering from. I then asked Dad if that means my brothers, sisters or I could get it. He slowly nodded in the affirmative. It was the saddest I've ever seen him except when he lost mum.
Billy Joel-"Pressure"
I read Time Magazine, What does it mean?
From that time forward, I had a new respect for my mum. She was fighting this beast all alone. No one was there supporting her because we all were supposed to ignore the beast in the room. I learned that the day I talked about it with Dad. HD were forbidden words in my house. Its something that every day I try to break with tradition.
Elton John-"Levon"
Notice how distinctive this song is? Three notes on the piano and
the audience starts cheering Elton on. Beautiful and moving.
this is what music should be.
The day Mum took her life I remember coming home from school. There was just something different. I could tell you what it was, but it was an absence. There was no natural noise of a home being lived in, no smell of cooking, no expectant parent waiting to sit over homework. I remember dropping my schoolbag and knocking on my own house's door. I don't know why I did that. I just know that I did. As if in a bad dream nobody answered. I knocked again. Then I went in. I went through the living room to the kitchen. No food, no cooking. Everything was cleaned as if expecting a guest. I went back into the living room and then knocking on my parent's bedroom. There was no answer at the closed door.
I was going to wait until Peter came home but he was out on the football team and wouldn't be home for several more hours. I knocked at her door again. Now I was getting fearful. I didn't know of what but I was scared. Finally I opened up the bedroom door. Then I don't remember anything else until I arrived at my neighbor's house. The Mitchell's were always so kind and that's where I must have felt safe for it into their home that I ran.
Poor Mrs. Mitchell had to deal with me. I was screaming, and running like no tomorrow. She managed to get some tea down me and had me tell her my story. She then called the police and I remember her telling them it was "a suicide" and "appeared to be a gunshot". Then she called my father, who promptly came to get me. I don't know where we were going as home was not convenient but Dad just took me out for a quick snack and then we sat in the car.
Elton John-"Daniel"
One of the best Daniels, and I've heard a lot of them
When the police came I repeated my story and then went inside to confirm it. Then my dad asked if we could go, and we went to his office so he could bury his head in his work and we wouldn't see them remove Mum from her home for the last time.
We picked Peter and then went to the daycare where I youngest sister was. From there we all went out to eat as Dad told everyone what had occurred during the day. I just felt empty.
I was always closest to Mum. She was the parent that I confided in. She made the best gingerbread cookies. All these random thoughts came in my head, and sometimes still do. Most important, it all just up and disappeared. The person who made me feel whole was gone. That part of my heart remained empty until a few months ago when I finally found someone I could trust again.
Elton John - "Your Song"
My life went downhill for a number of years. Took my O's and barely passed them. Then instead of going to my As I dropped out. I took menial jobs before eventually attempting a geographic cure in the United States.
Phil Collins-"Take Me Home"
Here the audience knows the song after a few hits on the drum.
Take me home, since I don't remember
I've been a prisoner all my life,
By now I was drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.I started early and drank everyday. Then one day I ran onto the 101. I don't know what I was thinking, if I just wanted to end it all or if I just wanted my life to be over but either way I ended up in the local psychiatric ward when I came out of my blackout.
It was there that I realized I needed to get my life together. With a psychiatrist I found the strength in me to go back to school.I finished my education after receiving a Bachelor's degree in Library Science. From there I applied for a job at the local library in the City College. I worked there until my depression and anxiety became debilitating and I applied for and received disability based on the years I had paid into the Social Security system. I also received my green card while in school which allowed me to accept some financial aide as well as allowing me to live here safely without fear of being deported.
Phil Collins-"In The Air Tonight (Live)"
After 9/11 the government became suspicious of those holding education or working visas. I had several visits from government officials until I received my green card.
Tears for Fears-"Shout"
Since that day I ran into the motorway have I ever thought about suicide? Yes I have. I would seriously consider it except it would affect too many people that love me. I wouldn't want anyone to walk in to find me dead. That is not fair to them. If there was a peaceful way to go then I would grab it in a heartbeat. I know how to go, the question is would I do it? In all honesty I can't answer that. I would ask Jane to be involved for the simple reason I don't want her to come home to find me dead. On the other hand, its not fair to her to take care of me when my condition deteriorates. In all honesty I don't want to ever get to that point. Would I rather be dead then to be where my grandfather was, yes I would.
Billy Idol-"Eyes Without a Face"
I'm not there yet, so my mind is still open. When the time comes I'll talk about with Jane, but not until then. I want to spend the time I have without this specter hanging over us.I'm selfish and I want this time to be as carefree as possible.
I love the Pet Shop Boys, then and now
Pet Shop Boys-"West End Girls"
Tomorrow I have a few errands to run, and then after work Jane and I are going to through our bookcase and donating some books to the People's Library in New York. The Operation Wall Street Library has been destroyed by the police. These books were literally thrown in the trash and ruined. When some books were recovered they threw them in the trash again. We thought mailing them our books would be a good way of supporting the movement.
I woke up this morning in a rather foul mood. Actually I still felt flatlined. As I began making my coffee an amazing thing happened. I looked down and realized here I was sleeping in until noon, in my pajamas, having time to enjoy my coffee, with a full wallet for my grocery shopping later. What do I have to complain about? You know, I was right. I don't have $hit to complain about. So good morning. Now let's start this blog out on a better, my happy note. Literally as well as figuratively.
I really felt this homemade video of stills caught Bob Denver's energy.
"Sunshine On My Shoulders"
There were a couple things on my Facebook this morning that made me smile with my breakfast.
First was this video with the caption that says it all.
"This is the old generation passing the message on to the new one."
David Crosby and Graham Nash singing "Teach Your Children"
The Second was this Webpage of absurd signs. Click Through the image for the page.
This is a terrible thing to say but death has been on my mind a lot lately. I've tried to deny it but its not something that simply goes away. I am thinking of my future and the future of ones I love more than is necessary. When my mind drifts it drifts back to what happens, if anything, to me after I die. This has been going on pretty much since I got my test results followed by my hospitalization. They were really the nails in my mental coffin and my mind has been nearly OCD on the topic ever since. I want it to go away so I can think of prettier things in life, but unless I go out of my way to change my thinking my mind is stuck on the big D.
Johnny Cash - God's Gonna Cut You Down
To complete this double feature:
"It was no longer my song anymore. It was a great honour." Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails on
Johnny Cash covering his song "Hurt".
One of the most wonderful thing's Glenn Campbell has given this generation is a face and voice to Alzheimer's Disease. By speaking out so soon after his diagnosis he is showing the world that there is life after the horrid visit to the doctor in which his entire life shifted from living to surviving.
This song brings up a funny memory. I was working one day in the shelves at the library and ran into some book that put this song in my mind. I was quietly humming it when a student came up to me and made a crack about me becoming "Americanized". What people often don't know is that for some oddball reason country music is fairly popular in the UK. This song was in the top 5 and I remember hearing it on the radio a lot when I was a small child. With its simplistic and clear lyrics it became a favourite for this 6 year old.
Glenn Campbell-"Rhinestone Cowboy"
Wow, that last song really just came out from behind my mental left field. I have no idea how I came up with it. I must say spending time visualizing this city boy singing Campbell in his little British accent did make me smile.
To see how strong an influence is, here is Human League's Empire State Human. It starts with Adrian Wright's choice of graphics: a photo of John Wayne with the words "Empire State Human" printed on it. This band is about as British anti-country/Citified as one can imagine. Yet there Wayne is, in all his American glory.
The Human League-"Empire State Human"
On top of having this OCD thing on death, I've been homesick. This week I've been looking at prices to fly home for a couple weeks via BA. Sure, I could save a few dollars by going through Expedia or one of those discount airlines, but I don't trust buying tickets with all these fees for baggage versus carry-ons versus J's purse. It is really insane looking at all these fees. Two tickets, four pieces of baggage and two normal size carry-ons, thank you very much. Its already enough to have to check what little we want to bring on with us against the TSA website and having to go through the scanners.
The current plan is for us to stay in London for a week and a half. My brother, his wife and my nieces and nephews will be in the city for nearly a week. We could sandwich our days around his holiday, and it will save driving up to Sheffield. Since I'm no longer driving that would be a big mess avoided. J has never driven on the left side of the road and for obvious reason's doesn't want to have to start now. Neither of us want to take the National Express.
On the other hand, I don't want to fly all the way and NOT go home at least for a day or two. It simply doesn't make sense and would likely leave me just as homesick.
Yet still, I need to spend some time with the kids and my brother. I need some time with my family while I still can appreciate it, and as yesterday's blog shows those days are already farther apart than I'd like to admit.
The only other option at this point would be to fly over alone for the holiday. That would save me a lot of money and I'd be safe to travel at my leisure without anyone to report to. I want to drive, I drive. I want to take public transportation, I take it. I could meet up with my brother in the city and ride with him back to Sheffield. The only problem (outside of the fact I don't feel safe driving) is I'd be reliant on his good graces and I'm sure he'd be very sick of seeing me for over a week even if I was staying in a hotel.
Nah, that last one's not going to work for a number of reasons. Scratch it off the list.
Earlier today I was making lunch and jamming to The Best of Sparks when a Moroder driven No. 1 Song in Heaven came on. (recurring theme-D-E-A-T-H) I'm jamming away and totally forgot J was coming home for lunch. Crap she scared the shit out of me! Imagine me making my little old sandwich screaming "Gabriel's plays it, God how's he plays it!!" and then a meek "hello hon?" during the synth break. I'm too jumpy lately. You should have seen the hole I left in our ceiling.
Sparks-"No 1 Song in Heaven"
R.I.P. Mama Cass Eliot-"Dream a Little Dream"
Now I'm just throwing some tunes onto the virtual turntable here. Its nearly 5 O'Clock and I've accomplished less than nothing. Still looking at plane ticket prices, spent an hour with a friend watching her watching the announcement of the pregnancy of Michelle Duggar which I could give a crap about but my friend does care about. She claims its an interest based on her major of Psychology. I call her full of bull$hit.
Do I really care if that woman chooses to risk her her life for religious or financial gain? I only care insomuch as if we restrict her from having children on any grounds, it would make it easier to restrict others who do less wrong in the future.
So for baby and mother, I hope they both arrive safe and healthy and that's the end of that.
The Beatles-"Oh Darling!"
For the third time today I'm trying to get my brain into gear and head off to the grocery store. I just can't do it. My head starts thinking of one of a few re-occurring themes (the D word) and I'm back on my bed, feet behind me, awash in anxiety and curled up like a bow.
Gary Numan-"Cars"
Here in my car
I feel safest of all...
Pet Shop Boys - "Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)"
I've literally kicked the bed when my anxiety started to cause the nerves in my ankles to tingle. Now I'm tired, spent time holding my pillow, tried to cry it out and I still can't get out of here! ENOUGH!!!!!!!
I'm tired.
I'm tired of doing nothing and being drained of all energy.
I'm tired of being an unproductive human being,
of my level of activity being judged by some external rule..
