Crawling Out of My Black Hole

I hope this isn't too choppy. Its taken several days to write this as my internet time is extremely limited until I get the hell outta here Monday.

The Bangles-"Maniac Monday"

My wife has decided that we will take in David's children. So baby will make five in September. Our family is growing by leaps and bounds. Its enjoyable to watch from the sidelines but it will be interesting once I get home. So much for the single man who didn't want children who started this blog last year. Sasha and DJ are seven years old and so adorable. Yes, I said those kids are adorable.  Do you rake me over the coals now or later?

Peter, Paul and Mary-"Puff, The Magic Dragon"

This morning my wife called my Huntington's Disease doctor all the way from North Ireland where she's visiting David's mother. She is having a enjoyable and needed trip. I'm so glad she went.

This is for my wife, who's currently in love with Night of The Proms. 

Simple Minds - "Belfast Child" 

After this call they put me on Klonapin. It's helping my hands from bouncing off the keyboard all the time. They took me off the Xanax when I came in. They took me off everything and then played around until they found drugs they think are working. They're doing something right because I don't have the crazy need to listen to the Depeche Mode's Black Celebration album all the time.

Yes, I was literally living through thoughts that dark. It should have been a warning sign to me. Instead of looking out out for myself with all these flags I just went about my daily business while I had this album on constantly.  

Depeche Mode-"Black Celebration"

Is it any amazement that I drank after ten years of sobriety? I lost my best friend who died literally in my arms with his beautiful children at his feet, I didn't reach out to my wife since she was also grieving, causing us to begin to heal separately instead of doing this important act together. Then my depression kicked in, instead of treating I let myself fall into the black hole. I let myself stay there. I didn't do the things I know would help me get out of it. Instead of focusing on my recovery and sobriety I let myself focus on all the pitfalls in my life and my program. Once I start nitpicking my recovery message, that is a sign my thinking isn't quite right.

Human League-"(Keep Feeling) Fascination"

I am finally starting to feel better over all of this. I'm learning that I don't need to live constantly in a state of bereavement. Life does go on and its time for me to accept that and live it. David would not want me holed up in a room drinking and using. I know this because he didn't want that for himself. 

There is a saying in the program that it is basically one alcoholic/addict helping another. When I lost David, I lost a major lifeline to my sobriety.  Instead of doing what I should have, like raising my meeting attendance, I did the opposite and started isolating. 

Eminem - "Not Afraid"

Well, its time to wrap up so I can have enough time to get this posted to my Facebook. Thank you for continuing to follow me on this journey known as my life.

Engagement

Mood 9.0
Anxiety = 3.0


My physical symptoms are acting up like crazy. That should be no surprise since I was awake all night. The first half was spent burning CD's. The second half was washing the dinner dishware and talking with J.

It still sucks I can't stay up one night out of the year without paying for it with symptoms of HD creeping out twice as bad as usual. Yes, it sucks but today I can live with it.


Jane and I  talked about a variety of things when she asked me a question. Not just any question, mind you, but THE question.

Stevie Nicks & Don Henley = "Leather and Lace"

I really identify with the male vocalist's words in this song.

 Yeap, my girlfriend asked me last night if I'd marry her. 


I told her I would be honored. 

Sam Cooke-"Cupid"

Soon it'll be time for me to get that sleep, and then I'll be going  to pick her ring out.


I still can't believe I said yes to marriage after swearing for all of my adult years that I wouldn't marry ANYONE. 


Jane must be, well she is, a very special woman.

The Dixie Cups - "The Chapel of Love"

Wow, I'm still in shock. Me, the man that would never put any woman through his HD hell, is willing to get married. So what changed?

The Human League = Life on Your Own (Extended Remix)"

First, before I met Jane, I got tired of running every time I was in a serious relationship. I've done that for 20 years. Actually nothing else changed that I can think of except my perspective. 

When my fiancee first met me, I wasn't symptomatic nor had I been tested. Over time as things between us became more serious, I let her know about the Huntington's Disease in my family and what it meant for me.  She was one of the handful of women I've been involved with that haven't run for the hills at the first mention of HD.  Yet Jane knew that eventually this neurological disease will kill me. 

Blood, Sweat, & Tears = "And When I Die"

When I first got symptoms, she was there with me and understood what they were. To this day I remember my first symptom simply because of how kindly she dealt with it. 

HD wasn't something random out in the universe that she had no  idea about. She saw it with her own two eyes. She's had to deal with my depressive moods from HD since four months after we started dating,  if not sooner. She's seen me shaking like a leaf from anxiety. The tremors in my good arm have woken her up in the middle of the night more times than I care to admit.Still she's let it roll off her back. 

Through all that Jane's aware of, she knows what is happening and what will happen. 

Jerry Lee Lewis="Whole Lotta Shaking Goin' On"

Yet she still wants to marry me.

Go figure.

Crap video, Beautiful Song

Noel Paul Stookey-"The Wedding Song"

All I know is that I won't complain.

See you tomorrow.

Mood 9.5

Anxiety = 1.0

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.