This Is What Nightmares Are Made Of

Woke up in the middle of the night here after a few tossed and turned hours. Don't know if I'm that under-slept or just overextended but I'm wired out. My mood is irritable, but a scary irritable. I don't know this person and that scares me. If I had my way I'd be crying in a ball right now. I don't know what that's about. 

Human League-"Things That Dreams Are Made Of (Kiss Sell Out Mix)"

I picked this out on purpose. I'm looking for a few cold, hard songs tonight. I'm going to my usual sources, The Future (pre-Oakey & Girls Human League) and the Human League. The simple reason is I can pull blindly electronic songs from this catalog.

I have no emotions. Its not that  my mood is dead. That implies there is some feeling. I don't even have that. I have fear and emotional deadness. I feel completely out of control, yet since there is nothing to be in control of, I'm not scared of this state.

The Human League-"Sound of The Crowd"

So what is my fear of? Its of the fact I've never felt this way. I've read about people with HD getting to this point, and then I start crying. Even while crying, I still don't feel any emotion. Don't ask me, I don't know.

The Future-"Dancevision"

Before I went to sleep I dropped by my Twitter Account. Someone asked me how my day was. Instead of thanking them for caring (it was obvious from their question they were referring to my blog, to do that and remember it later to ask me is a nice thing.) I said "oh, that didn't turn out and I wrote a whole entry on it..  I looked down, shocked at my callousness and thanked them for asking. I was ashamed of myself, yet I could feel this disconnect from the human race.

Human League-"Seconds"

Did this even  have an American Release? I don't think it did.

From "Dare"

Well, I'm going back asleep. Have shopping and mailing to do tomorrow as a Secret Santa.  Thank you for reading. I may not feel better from writing this but at least I feel a member of the human race again, albeit one with a nasty disease that's attacking my emotions in one sweep.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too. 

Ahearn story, More Depression,poetry and other news

First up, a new article on Amy Ahearn is here with more details. Please read, share and the closer you live to Norwalk or Cerritos (auto square!) the better. I'm an hour north but will have a few copies made up to post in high traffic areas. 


Next up, I'm exhausted. I'm beyond exhausted. I'm sick to my gut and was only able to keep soup down last night. I felt terrible as my girlfriend (as Facebook nicely says "It's Complicated") had made a nice dinner. I felt just awful. Then today before the plumber came back I made it to my dad's and to the bank to get my current living will notarized. Now I need to xerox it and mail it to the California Secretary of State. I recently discovered in California  you don't need to be a citizen to take advantage of this service. For ten dollars I'll have an Advance Directive that "moves around the state" with me, that is peace of mind. 

This is the Future, a band made up of Martyn Ware and Ian Curtis Marsh of Heaven 17 before they added a vocalist to become The Human League. Ware and Marsh left several years later, when Philip Oakey took the The League's name, large debts to Virgin Records and added Sue Anne Sulley and Joanne Catherall to cover for the now lack of Ware's higher tone backing vocals. I really like The Future's sound. 

I went down for my nap after the plumber left and woke up early, it was 5 p.m. but felt like I'd slept so late I missed dinner. What scared the crap out of me was before I'd even opened my eyes I was thinking to myself "Enough of this, I give up." Its times like this I am so very thankful I'm not living alone. I immediately told her what I was thinking and she's brushing it up to the remnants of my old carb heavy diet combined with lack of nutrition the last two days. I hope she's right, but I know who to call if I need professional help which is half the battle. 

Then I drank some Gatorade to be safe until I ate dinner. I've been in a bit, okay a lot, of pain the last few days as well and the pain meds I take upset my stomach. I wasn't the brightest bulb on the block when I refused to take my anti-nausea pill. Its in the family of anti-psychotics as most of them are, and make me uncomfortable. Tales of things which may come in the future so-to-speak have a tendency to spook me. As a consequence my anti-depressant and mood-stabilizers came up at night. Next time I'm taking Naproxen instead of the narcotic. This is a second time since January I've had trouble with a narcotic pain killer. 

For all I know the depression could be a blood sugar issue or med withdrawal. Just in case I  need to make an appointment Monday to see the doctor about blood work.

. Berlin- The Metro

While waiting for the bus (I didn't feel safe to drive today) I was reading an interesting piece in Trish Dainton's book Curse in Verse & Much More Worse (pg 92) today that really struck home. According to a prominent HD researcher the unknown part of the brain that enjoys and appreciates music does not turn off in the degeneration of Huntington's Disease.

 I think the premise of this blog is proof of this!

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