Repeats, releasing anger and the 12 hour blog entry

Mood 6 of 10
Anxiety upon waking 8 of 10


Several brief topics here. First is the issue of repeats in HD patients, not CAG repeats but word repeats. 


I find myself typing the same word or word pair twice at least a couple times in a blog entry. This isn't new, but something that I'm much more aware of then when my typing consisted of short emails, data input, Facebook statuses, and URLs. Anyone have experience with this or heard of this? I wouldn't care except I don't catch it until a second or third proof-read, and have to go in and edit the entry. Its just a pain in the a$$ and just one more reason to try the version of Dragon Dictate J bought me last week.

Stuck on Repeat by Little Boots

I've made several decisions that are unavoidable, or at least sitting in the background. First, a friend of mine M. who is HD at-risk wants to go to a support group. This friend doesn't currently have a car and I offered to take her. She tried to back out but my car needs the mileage so current plans are on going. She keeps going "No, really I didn't want YOU to take me" because she knows I'm really uncomfortable with attending myself but then I'm telling myself  "Really, I need a reason to get out of town" which is partly true. I also want a trial run to see if I can even get to the door.


Only problem, I didn't think it through until I typed this. I don't want to go myself. I'm not ready for this. I have nightmares of being in a room of people that are all suicidal like my Mum. The times I don't wake up, in my dream I come back from smoking and everyone else in the room is dead from self-inflicted gun wounds. Yeah, I know that's a nightmare and not real blah blah blah but I wake up feeling its real. 


That's a demon I'm just not able to face yet. Its my private demon. I am scared that when I walk in the room I'll be seeing myself a few years down the road. I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be?

This song has made me cry for most of my life. Let me today.

Yeah, its one country song in how many days? Gonna come and kill me over it?

I don't know why, but have an idea its because it talks about what Mothers want their children to be in the future. I could be really off though. 


An anger song: 

Sometimes even guys need to cry. That includes me. 

"Daddy didn't give attention 

To the fact that mommy didn't care
King Jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world"

This song brings on so many feelings, anger toward my Mum for being the most important person in my father's life (what's so important about open house night at your school, son???) , obvious anger at HD for leaving us to find her dead, anger for giving me this Motherf'cking disease and all the other stuff I'm working out in therapy. Oh, yeah that thing about risking passing this POS onto any kid I have and not wanting to put any other adult into a non-equal relationship with me. But besides that, hey nothing to be upset about. Really.

More anger music- I can feel my system getting it out.

The End- The Doors

One of the best comments I've ever seen on YouTube is under this video. 

Its referencing the Operation Wall Street protests.

"The protestors[sic] on Wall Street are saying, 

"No more! WE will no longer just be bricks in your damned Corporate walls.

" Stand up, hear the music and take action against the rising Tyranny.

 "Hey, Teacher, leave them kids alone!!""~jeff62rey

I never knew this next one was about the Vietnam War, seriously. 

I've been discovering that era has some great anger music.

The Rolling Stones - Paint it Black

Well, its now 8:30 pm and I started this entry twelve hours ago. I did way too much the last few days and will be going out to distribute Amy Ahearn fliers tomorrow so I don't have a choice but to be rested up. 

I just don't have any drive today, so I'm going to sign off with some Blondie and Pretenders.

Okay, J is literally starting to walk me to our bed so I better get off the computer. Have a good evening.

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An Experiment, Disneyland Ghosts, White Lipps and a real live pier!

I'm going to be starting an experiment this week. Actually, I will be starting now. My post last night from Trish's book gave me the idea. I'm going to start scoring my moods before and after listening to music. For example, my mood was a four when I first woke up. Less then ten minutes later it jumped to a six and a half simply by listening to some Bee Gees, even before I washed my face.

This probably doesn't seem much to you, but when I'm not even able to get enjoyment out of reading a book I know there's a problem. As you might remember, I used to work in a library. I love books. Outside of Trish's book, I've almost completely stopped reading. There is no pay-off. Outside of sport scores, I don't pick up a newspaper.

 Martin Rushent's  production of Pete Shelley's catchy tune "Homosapien"

Sh*t  She's white! 

I saw this incarnation of the Dapper Dans at Disneyland several times.

 It was worth the money simply to hear them sing in harmony.

A real talent rarely heard these days. My opinion - If you're local get an annual passport so you can leave Disney's California Adventure park when you get bored. If you aren't from the area, buy the multi-day pass and spend all the time in Disneyland Park Proper unless you like thrill rides. Stay at the nearby Super 8 and take the money saved on your hotel to spend an additional day at the park. I've never had problems with loud guests there and its about fifty dollar plus tax.

I read at the time this song was influenced by Primal Scream Therapy. All I know is when I want to shout in anger this video goes to the top of the pile:

along with this one...

influenced by Carl Jung's theory of "Synchronicity"

"Sometimes we'd just sit there and she wouldn't say anything and I wouldn't say anything and you could try to work out what was going on in her head but I think its something we don't understand. Not yet, anyway."

The wonderful thing in this video is its not afraid to tackle the issue of of family and patient head on. Its shown as a good thing, not a relationship to run away from. I had the chance to run this by Penny W's daughter @meekodev this morning. Her mother was a first Generation Huntington's Disease patient (genetic mutation) so they missed the diagnosis until the very end.  Penny, like her daughter, had worked in a library for many years (That's where I met Meeks in fact). Anyway I asked her if I was the only one seeing this video as a positive message and she actually agreed with me. She told me it captured their relationship the last few months when her Mum reverted to the delusion her good friend and roommate was her own dead mother, Meeks grandmother. 

In the end we both agreed this video should get wider release as an educational tool for families to show them how important these memories are to both the parents/grandparents/siblings as well as their survivors.

Now that my mind is on Penny, this was the song she sang to her daughter, her daughter played back to her on her last day and it was also sung at her Celebration of Life by an opera singer. She gave it a flavor that could be any relationship whether it be friend, child or lover. That, I'll never forget hearing.

One more for the road, mainly because although I am not a big fan of the song the story behind the video is hilarious and I need hilarious. 

This is The Human League in 1984 on Dick Clark's show here in the States. As you'll see he had the late Laura Branigan introduce THL. The reasons I find this video so utterly funny is

• Branigan mentions this is their first appearance on American Television . Notice that not a word was said about any past bookings. That's because they literally walked off the Soul Train set two years before. Their manager Bob Fast had said they didn't need or want dancers as they had "the girls" but he wasn't heeded. Since they always do live rehearsals they noticed the dancers on the floor immediately. 
• Jo Anne's Sunglasses (stage right)
• The wind is blowing their voice back in their faces. Oops. 
• They are dancing on a piece of wood. Don't ask me why I find its funny but I do.
• Phil's perm
• The clothes are too small. Its more obvious in one of the other songs where the lead singer is wearing a girl's one quarter length armed t-shirt. Also in the other video his sunglasses keep falling down. It was another post on YouTube asking to see this piece of "history" that alerted me to it in fact.

I swear, You can't get this from Central Casting. I just hope they didn't market this to the Clark show as California Hip.

I've been to this area on a number of occasions. I'd love to know the bill for Clark's security, and I'm not talking about protecting the band but their equipment if you get my drift.

Okay, waking up the other side of the room with my laughter so I really need to finish this up!

I'd say this experiment worked today, don't you? Mood = 7.5/10

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