Cruel

Joy Division-"Atmosphere"

Since I heard DJ at his first voice lesson on Saturday, I've been in a contemplative mood musically.

Lately there have several major things I was asked to hold in confidence.That is fine, but since I'm a fairly social animal I have a tendency to then hold everything back. Its learning to find my balance again

First in my family another member recently tested positive for Huntington's Disease. I was honestly hoping to take one for the team by getting HD, but it wasn't going to happen. 

Depeche Mode - "So Cruel" 

Its interesting, this last piece of music. I'm not a big fan of this tune, but I was looking for a song to put here, and my brain kept telling me it would be the perfect place for So Cruel. That is what music is supposed to do, influence how you think.


While I'm on the subject of Depeche Mode, the day I wrote my last blog post I realized my information was a bit off. They were still here until that afternoon working on the new album, I literally missed them by half an hour in fact, being as I was downtown on other business. The same block as the studio. Rumour is that they will be coming here to work so we'll have to see if its going to be another Santa Barbara Sound Design LP like Playing the Angel and the (Bare) rerecordings were. Personally, I love the vibe that studio seems to send the band home with. 

 Destruction Rock at it's best. The first half of today's double feature:

The Police-"Synchronicity II"

On another note, there was some information Dahy's mother did not want to know about her son's final days. Jane and I have no problem with this. We understand and respect their relationship. There's another person who felt differently and took it upon themselves to inform her in a way in which she would not have a choice but to learn. This person felt that they knew better what his Mum would want to know. Needless to say discovering that she was informed of this and then having to field questions to settle her mind was not a pleasant experience. She had wanted to go at this time not knowing, who are you to question whether her decision was the correct one to have made?

The Police - "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"

She is a lot like her son that way. Unlike me, who feels I need every piece of information to make a well informed decision the Kelly's seem to have a strong belief that they don't want or need unnecessary information. 

Pink Floyd - "Another Brick In The Wall"

Last November after Dahy's test results had come back with a very high viral load and dropping CD4 count. That meant he was becoming resistant to his meds and at best it was time for him to try something new. At worst, it was time for him to get his affairs in order.

We went down to Los Angles to see his doctor. Dahy sat down, listened to a quick briefing and then asked three questions. We left five minutes later, he went and filled a prescription for two tablets, swallowed them and proceeded to (try to) work for the remainder of the day. At 4:00 in the afternoon we drove back to the doctor's office and he let the appointment secretary know that the medication made him too sick for a less than 25 percent chance of working. 

Simple Minds - "Belfast Child (live)"

How the hell does someone make a decision like that? I never could. It is not enough to make an informed decision to discontinue medical treatment. For my friend, anything past that small amount of information would only cloud his process over a life and death decision.

If I can't respect that in my best friends and family, then what does that say about me?

Frankie Goes to Hollywood-"Born to Run"

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Repeats, releasing anger and the 12 hour blog entry

Mood 6 of 10
Anxiety upon waking 8 of 10


Several brief topics here. First is the issue of repeats in HD patients, not CAG repeats but word repeats. 


I find myself typing the same word or word pair twice at least a couple times in a blog entry. This isn't new, but something that I'm much more aware of then when my typing consisted of short emails, data input, Facebook statuses, and URLs. Anyone have experience with this or heard of this? I wouldn't care except I don't catch it until a second or third proof-read, and have to go in and edit the entry. Its just a pain in the a$$ and just one more reason to try the version of Dragon Dictate J bought me last week.

Stuck on Repeat by Little Boots

I've made several decisions that are unavoidable, or at least sitting in the background. First, a friend of mine M. who is HD at-risk wants to go to a support group. This friend doesn't currently have a car and I offered to take her. She tried to back out but my car needs the mileage so current plans are on going. She keeps going "No, really I didn't want YOU to take me" because she knows I'm really uncomfortable with attending myself but then I'm telling myself  "Really, I need a reason to get out of town" which is partly true. I also want a trial run to see if I can even get to the door.


Only problem, I didn't think it through until I typed this. I don't want to go myself. I'm not ready for this. I have nightmares of being in a room of people that are all suicidal like my Mum. The times I don't wake up, in my dream I come back from smoking and everyone else in the room is dead from self-inflicted gun wounds. Yeah, I know that's a nightmare and not real blah blah blah but I wake up feeling its real. 


That's a demon I'm just not able to face yet. Its my private demon. I am scared that when I walk in the room I'll be seeing myself a few years down the road. I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be?

This song has made me cry for most of my life. Let me today.

Yeah, its one country song in how many days? Gonna come and kill me over it?

I don't know why, but have an idea its because it talks about what Mothers want their children to be in the future. I could be really off though. 


An anger song: 

Sometimes even guys need to cry. That includes me. 

"Daddy didn't give attention 

To the fact that mommy didn't care
King Jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world"

This song brings on so many feelings, anger toward my Mum for being the most important person in my father's life (what's so important about open house night at your school, son???) , obvious anger at HD for leaving us to find her dead, anger for giving me this Motherf'cking disease and all the other stuff I'm working out in therapy. Oh, yeah that thing about risking passing this POS onto any kid I have and not wanting to put any other adult into a non-equal relationship with me. But besides that, hey nothing to be upset about. Really.

More anger music- I can feel my system getting it out.

The End- The Doors

One of the best comments I've ever seen on YouTube is under this video. 

Its referencing the Operation Wall Street protests.

"The protestors[sic] on Wall Street are saying, 

"No more! WE will no longer just be bricks in your damned Corporate walls.

" Stand up, hear the music and take action against the rising Tyranny.

 "Hey, Teacher, leave them kids alone!!""~jeff62rey

I never knew this next one was about the Vietnam War, seriously. 

I've been discovering that era has some great anger music.

The Rolling Stones - Paint it Black

Well, its now 8:30 pm and I started this entry twelve hours ago. I did way too much the last few days and will be going out to distribute Amy Ahearn fliers tomorrow so I don't have a choice but to be rested up. 

I just don't have any drive today, so I'm going to sign off with some Blondie and Pretenders.

Okay, J is literally starting to walk me to our bed so I better get off the computer. Have a good evening.

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