Friday, 25 May 2012

Just Try

Hello, long time no see. The kids are keeping me busy during the afternoon and evenings. During the day I spend it keeping the house clean, preparing dinner and generally taking care of myself. I need to find a happy medium for blog time as well. Everything else has seemed to find its niche.

Culture Club - "Time (Clock Of The Heart)"

DJ was invited to sing at his vocal coach's recital in September. We are all very excited for him. She admitted that its not her practice to have first year students perform but she thinks he'll shine. The Ware house is very excited for him. Especially his sister Sasha who has been bragging to anyone and everyone who will listen.

We were actually a bit concerned about how Sasha would deal with all this attention on her brother. So far she's handling it well. 

To think it all started with Uncle Paul playing this song:
Depeche Mode - "Condemnation"

We may have discovered her talent. She had expressed interest in ice skating but with the nearest rink an hour away we didn't know how interested she really was. It now appears her father would drop her off with her coach two days a week near Los Angeles while he worked in the afternoons. Then he'd watch her for an hour practicing. She had been skating in pairs with a seven year old boy. She never volunteered that Dahy had dropped her off at the rink until last week when I pushed her after she told me again she liked to skate. This time I asked her when she'd gone, and she replied "all the time". I asked a few more probing questions and it all came out. Finally when told her that I had no idea she told me since I was good friends with her Daddy she assumed I'd known. That's when I had the first Paul-is-not-a-mind-reader speech. 

Falco - "Rock Me Amadeus (Original Single Version)"

After some well placed phone calls, I was able to get through to her pairs coach. She had wondered why Sasha had stopped coming so suddenly, and why her mother never returned her calls after her missed lessons. I explained that Sasha had been with her father his last week, and soon after staying with us. Sasha's partner had already moved on to train with another girl. She's not working out well with him, and his mother said she'd much prefer to start him up with Sasha again. Now if we can only get her custom skates from her former home, that would be a blessing. If not, we'll take the money for her new skates from the estate her father left her. She had just finished breaking in her last pair, though, so we want to avoid that if possible. In the meantime I renewed her annual Figure Skating Club membership card so she will be able to test when she is ready.

Sasha's coach had expressed real sadness over Dahy's death. He had left a very favourable impression on her. Not just as a skating parent as a person in general. 

West Side Story - "America"

The move looks like it will probably be a "go". A woman Jane knows from work wants a smaller house and with three children we need a bigger one. The plan is for us to pay the difference with a loan from her parents and then tie our mortgage onto the new property. The appraisers came earlier this week, and Monday we have an appointment to have the bank go over our new property.

Billy Idol - "Mony Mony (Live)"

Also on the horizon early next month is our visit to Corrine, their grandmother, who lives in West Belfast. She is a bit frightened only having flown twice (the first time was to meet Jane and see Dahy) so she'll be flying back with us and staying for a few weeks in the summer.  I've already starting cleaning out my library to convert it back to a bedroom for her stay. On top of all this, Corrine has already offered to come out when Baby Ware is born to help raise the twins while Jane and I adjust to him/her. Talk about a blessing in disguise. If this June works out well, we may take her up on the offer. 

Soulsavers - "Just Try"

My current favourite Soulsavers song. I know that I've been pounding them down your throat but I haven't heard an album as good as "The Light the Dead See"  in several years. It also came out at a time in my life when I am also spending a lot of time looking at my own spirituality. The great thing about this album is that it isn't so much as in belief in God, but is simply about a search for "God, as you understand him." If you recognize that last phrase, you will probably get quite a bit from this album. I believe that's why I can't stop playing it, the music feels as if its about my journey as well.

To those of you who leave comments, they brighten my day. Thanks. 

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

Want to know when the next blog is coming out or recommend it to a friend? There is an easy Facebook page for that now.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012


This is another one of the "OMG I miss Dahy and I'm going to write all about it" so if that's not what floats your boat, don't say I didn't warn you.

Before I talk about my friend, first I want to discuss some sleep issues I have been having lately. For over two weeks I was averaging less than two hours a night. These two hours were so fragmented that cycle after cycle I was not entering REM sleep. A mind needs REM to properly sleep. A lack of it can actually cause psychosis. In my case, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Last Monday I finally took so ill I ended up on the lawn slurring my words and my thoughts were completely fragmented. 

The Human League - "You've Lost That Loving Feeling"

While waiting for my psychiatrist to return my call, a friend recommended I call the man who last changed my meds at rehab. I did and he recognized my problem immediately. He put me on a low dose of the antidepressant impramine which I had been switched off when they put me on the Lexapro. We don't know why it took this long to effect me but the point is that less 48 hours later I had two full nights of uninterrupted sleep.

Ever since the ninth my wife and I have been in an extreme funk. It was also Mother's Day on Sunday here in America, and that is a reminder of my mum.Yes, I still miss her. 

The Stone Poneys feat. Linda Ronstadt - "Different Drum"

On the positive side, this was my wife's first Mother's Day since she became pregnant on the 5th of January as well as now being a mother to DJ and Sasha.  

This is probably my favourite women's empowerment song. When my wife had gone back to college I would play this every morning on the drive to her classes. Sunday I put my cellphone with this song playing  on the tray DJ and Sasha used to serve her breakfast in bed. She damn nearly cried.

Peter Gabriel & Youssou N'Dour -"Shaking the Tree"

When I turned into this type of introspective and melancholy mood I began to ponder about the possibility of an afterlife. The more I've thought about it lately, the more I find my mind opening to idea there might be something out there I'm not ready to accept. 

Soulsavers-"Presence of God"

Now with Dahy gone, I do hope one day to be reunited with two important people in my life. To see him and my mum both healthy and no longer having to fight their respective illnesses and demons, well that idea brings peace to my heart. I mean dammit no one should ever have to suffer like they did. Would it be the end of the world if they could actually experience what "should have been" instead of their life just ending when they died. Is that too much to ask for?

Joni Mitchell - "Circle Game"

Especially with the loss of Dahy I've begun to wonder about my lack in a belief in a god, much less all the anger I feel toward things like Huntington's Disease. Have I actually been blaming someone who may not even be responsible. Who ever said that a god is to blame for all the evil this world? 

If anyone ever got the bad end of the stick in life, it was Dahy. Yet he still managed to find some peace of mind in his church. So do his children. In fact, just recently Sasha told me she looks forward to going to church because its where she feels closest to her father. I find that bizarre just based on her age. Seven year old's can't grasp the ideas around most of the rituals and god talk yet, so I think there is something else going on. I do know that she thinks that's the one place her dad always found his centre (as she calls it "his calm").

Wilson Phillips - "Hold On"

I once heard a Catholic Priest speak on evil and the bad things that happen to us. He said that evil was brought on when Adam and Eve committed their big sin. The kicker is that this man went on to say that many people are uncomfortable with the thought of God not stepping in at that time. However, if he had then he would have taken away their free will. If he took that away, Adam and Eve wouldn't have been made in his image. God did have free will, after all and he made man and woman, not robot. 

STYX - "Mr. Roboto"

So combine what would have been David's 39th birthday followed four days later by Mother's Day and its been a bit sad of a week. Not depressed. Just introspective and melancholy. Obviously I've been doing a lot of thinking too. 

Nina Simone-"Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

This next song reminds me of Jane's recent trip to New Orleans. I have never heard this version before tonight. It also reminds me of Jan and Stella of HDTrainwreck. Their father, who has Huntington's Disease, has always been a big Animals fan.

The Animals-"House Of The Rising Sun (live)"

The home network went out last weekend, so we've been without internet access except for our telephones. Once I got that needed sleep yesterday I went straight to work on fixing it. Since my primary computer has been locked down for some odd bios password issue I don't have the ability to get to any of my data. I'm currently on an old laptop. At least the important parts like Word and the DVD player work on this old one.

Well, my eyes are falling down. So off I'm going to try and get a nap in. Right now, I want every inch of sleep I can get.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

Want to know when the next blog is coming out or recommend it to a friend? There is an easy Facebook page for that now.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012


Joy Division-"Atmosphere"

Since I heard DJ at his first voice lesson on Saturday, I've been in a contemplative mood musically.

Lately there have several major things I was asked to hold in confidence.That is fine, but since I'm a fairly social animal I have a tendency to then hold everything back. Its learning to find my balance again

First in my family another member recently tested positive for Huntington's Disease. I was honestly hoping to take one for the team by getting HD, but it wasn't going to happen. 

Depeche Mode - "So Cruel" 

Its interesting, this last piece of music. I'm not a big fan of this tune, but I was looking for a song to put here, and my brain kept telling me it would be the perfect place for So Cruel. That is what music is supposed to do, influence how you think.

While I'm on the subject of Depeche Mode, the day I wrote my last blog post I realized my information was a bit off. They were still here until that afternoon working on the new album, I literally missed them by half an hour in fact, being as I was downtown on other business. The same block as the studio. Rumour is that they will be coming here to work so we'll have to see if its going to be another Santa Barbara Sound Design LP like Playing the Angel and the (Bare) rerecordings were. Personally, I love the vibe that studio seems to send the band home with. 

 Destruction Rock at it's best. The first half of today's double feature:
The Police-"Synchronicity II"

On another note, there was some information Dahy's mother did not want to know about her son's final days. Jane and I have no problem with this. We understand and respect their relationship. There's another person who felt differently and took it upon themselves to inform her in a way in which she would not have a choice but to learn. This person felt that they knew better what his Mum would want to know. Needless to say discovering that she was informed of this and then having to field questions to settle her mind was not a pleasant experience. She had wanted to go at this time not knowing, who are you to question whether her decision was the correct one to have made?

The Police - "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"

She is a lot like her son that way. Unlike me, who feels I need every piece of information to make a well informed decision the Kelly's seem to have a strong belief that they don't want or need unnecessary information. 

Pink Floyd - "Another Brick In The Wall"

Last November after Dahy's test results had come back with a very high viral load and dropping CD4 count. That meant he was becoming resistant to his meds and at best it was time for him to try something new. At worst, it was time for him to get his affairs in order.

We went down to Los Angles to see his doctor. Dahy sat down, listened to a quick briefing and then asked three questions. We left five minutes later, he went and filled a prescription for two tablets, swallowed them and proceeded to (try to) work for the remainder of the day. At 4:00 in the afternoon we drove back to the doctor's office and he let the appointment secretary know that the medication made him too sick for a less than 25 percent chance of working. 

Simple Minds - "Belfast Child (live)"

How the hell does someone make a decision like that? I never could. It is not enough to make an informed decision to discontinue medical treatment. For my friend, anything past that small amount of information would only cloud his process over a life and death decision.

If I can't respect that in my best friends and family, then what does that say about me?

Frankie Goes to Hollywood-"Born to Run"

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

Want to know when the next blog is coming out or recommend it to a friend? There is an easy Facebook page for that now.