Will I?

Before I say anything else, I want to thank everyone for their kind words the last couple of weeks. They mean more than you know.


I've been so quiet lately simply because I don't want to talk. Its a symptom of my depression from Huntington's Disease, but more than that I've just been contemplative.  One thing I have been doing more of is reading. The Kindle has really reopened the world of books to me.

Howard Jones-"Things Can Only Get Better"

On top of the lack of initiative is a splitting headache and a malaise I haven't been able to track down and life hasn't been the cheeriest this week.

The good news is my cat is doing better. Once I brought home the money in case I would have to take her to the vet and she started eating, grooming herself, using her box, and even playing with her sister again. If I didn't know better I'd think just the fact she knows she has an out has brought her comfort. It wouldn't surprise me. She's a very smart cookie.

Human League-"Blind Youth"

Lately I've had early Human League running through my head. "Blind Youth" and "Empire State Human" aren't the most melodic songs to be stuck on repeat but this last week I haven't been able to shake them. 

The Human League-"Empire State Human"

Adding Heaven 17's Temptation to my mental trio and you could say my head's been in a Martyn Ware state of mind.

Heaven 17-"Temptation (Original Demo)"

Between the Namenda and my Kindle I've found myself spending most of my days reading again. Its driving Jane up the wall because I'm so quiet again she's having to adjust. 

Bronski Beat and Marc Almond-"I Feel Love"

When I'm not reading we've been taking advantage of the new couch and having the telly hooked up to Netflix and DVD players. We've been watching a movie together most evenings this past week.

Fellow Sheffield United fan P. d. Heaton 

The Housemartins-"Flag Day"

The Housemartins-"Get Up Off Our Knees"

One thing I did manage to accomplish this week was setting up a blog for my wife. She had decided she didn't want full read/write privileges here as she doesn't read my blog on a regular basis (she feels more comfortable giving me space to write my thoughts without her having to intrude by reading them.) Then I moved her posts from here onto her blog, so all of her writing will be in one place.

The odd thing is this week I just haven't been on the computer that much. Facebook is checked once a day, I'll send a couple tweets on my phone, and that's about it. 

Tracy Chapman-"Fast Car"

In all honesty, I've been future tripping a lot. The problem with future tripping is that when you have Huntington's there isn't much in the future. Things my mind have been focusing on include how I will die, when I will die, and my relationship with others at the time of my death.

Simple Minds-"Alive and Kicking"

I'm not doing this in a depressed sort of way, but more of a factual sort of way. My therapist said its because I'm in the final stage of facing my HD: acceptance. For obvious reasons this has made me introspective.

Depeche Mode-"Enjoy The Silence"

This isn't something I can talk about. My wife wouldn't understand because she's not in my body, I don't feel comfortable talking about it with friends, and to be honest there isn't much to talk about. Where I am is more of a state of being than a  set of thoughts.

The Cars-"Drive"

My mum has also been on my mind. I wonder about the afterlife, if there is one, and if I will ever see her again. Sometimes lately I just miss her. I want to hear her laugh, see her smile, and be there for her when she cries. This is my way of saying "Dammit, sometimes I just miss her." 

Its times like this that I loathe HD.

Mike and The Mechanics-"The Living Years"

At the same time I wonder about my wife and our child: how much will I be able to see of their lives, what and how will they see mine, what will we have the chance to experience together?

Rent Motion Picture Cast-"Will I"

These thoughts are actually liberating. Its as if they were being held back by a mental.wall, and now that its  down everything is rushing out like water behind a dam. When they stop running it actually feels cleansing. 

Because no matter how hard we look life is just a bunch of

Small Circles

The Rainmakers-"Small Circles"

G'Nite now.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

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Christmas With Fireplaces

Mood 6
Anxiety 5


I saw el shrinko, aka my head doctor today. It went well considering how much information I had to cover. I finally told him everything seems like its rushing by. He just looked at me with the look this guy below has on his face. Then he says "You're getting married, yeah?" and I'm like "duh yeah" and he laughed. He said its actually a common thing when people are in the middle of wedding preparations. 

Men at Work-"Overkill"

 Then I told him about the baby and Facebook and everything else that's been going on. He was more than a bit surprised. Then he mentioned it must not be bugging me too much. I asked him where he got that idea and he said because I didn't call for an extra appointment. That got me thinking, I do usually freak out and ask to be fit in. Does that make me more normal now?

Spandau Ballet-"True"

I still have that nasty cough. It hasn't gotten any worse, but its not any better either. So here I am with the rest of last night's Taco Bell  in the waiting room at the walk in clinic. 

Spandau Ballet-"Round and Round"

I'm waiting for the results of the X-Ray. I just want to curl up in bed. That's never a good sign.  What's even a worse sign is that the nurse just sent me to the hospital to be checked out. Jane is not going to be happy at all.

Oh, I knew I forgot something while moving my laptop from the clinic to the emergency room.. Doc asked me about the holidays. Its always a tough time. A friend of mine is struggling, she lost her mother this last year to HD and she really doesn't want to spend Christmas at home so she's planning on going down to the Grand Californian Hotel inside Disney's California Adventure. She told me last time she was at Disneyland it was during a storm and she ended up stuck at the fireplace  where she sat reading Stephen King's Duma Key  This is year she's buying the new V.C. Andrews and taking them down to the the Grand Californian. She's going to stay at the Super 8 across the street and just sit with her Droid and junk novels. That sounds really good, and I'm tempted to take her up on her invitation to stay in front of the fireplace. There is something about mourning somebody when you're not alone and have a shoulder to cry on.

Mike and the Mechanics-"The Living Years"

What surprised me is that Jane is interested in going. I told her its probably going to be one of the more boring trips. She shared with me that she never had closure over her close friend who  passed away from Hodgkin's Lymphoma early this year and she just isn't getting the holiday spirit. She shared with me that she is thinking that going down there will add some Christmas cheer as well as give her some closure. I called my friend and she really would love the company, so it looks like our Christmas plans are to spend the time in front of the fireplaces with good books. 

My friend MeekoDev with Duma Key
Off and to the right is the outdoor fireplace

The ER nurse just called my name so I'll see you tomorrow.

Mood 7.8

Anxiety 7

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.