Will I?

Before I say anything else, I want to thank everyone for their kind words the last couple of weeks. They mean more than you know.


I've been so quiet lately simply because I don't want to talk. Its a symptom of my depression from Huntington's Disease, but more than that I've just been contemplative.  One thing I have been doing more of is reading. The Kindle has really reopened the world of books to me.

Howard Jones-"Things Can Only Get Better"

On top of the lack of initiative is a splitting headache and a malaise I haven't been able to track down and life hasn't been the cheeriest this week.

The good news is my cat is doing better. Once I brought home the money in case I would have to take her to the vet and she started eating, grooming herself, using her box, and even playing with her sister again. If I didn't know better I'd think just the fact she knows she has an out has brought her comfort. It wouldn't surprise me. She's a very smart cookie.

Human League-"Blind Youth"

Lately I've had early Human League running through my head. "Blind Youth" and "Empire State Human" aren't the most melodic songs to be stuck on repeat but this last week I haven't been able to shake them. 

The Human League-"Empire State Human"

Adding Heaven 17's Temptation to my mental trio and you could say my head's been in a Martyn Ware state of mind.

Heaven 17-"Temptation (Original Demo)"

Between the Namenda and my Kindle I've found myself spending most of my days reading again. Its driving Jane up the wall because I'm so quiet again she's having to adjust. 

Bronski Beat and Marc Almond-"I Feel Love"

When I'm not reading we've been taking advantage of the new couch and having the telly hooked up to Netflix and DVD players. We've been watching a movie together most evenings this past week.

Fellow Sheffield United fan P. d. Heaton 

The Housemartins-"Flag Day"

The Housemartins-"Get Up Off Our Knees"

One thing I did manage to accomplish this week was setting up a blog for my wife. She had decided she didn't want full read/write privileges here as she doesn't read my blog on a regular basis (she feels more comfortable giving me space to write my thoughts without her having to intrude by reading them.) Then I moved her posts from here onto her blog, so all of her writing will be in one place.

The odd thing is this week I just haven't been on the computer that much. Facebook is checked once a day, I'll send a couple tweets on my phone, and that's about it. 

Tracy Chapman-"Fast Car"

In all honesty, I've been future tripping a lot. The problem with future tripping is that when you have Huntington's there isn't much in the future. Things my mind have been focusing on include how I will die, when I will die, and my relationship with others at the time of my death.

Simple Minds-"Alive and Kicking"

I'm not doing this in a depressed sort of way, but more of a factual sort of way. My therapist said its because I'm in the final stage of facing my HD: acceptance. For obvious reasons this has made me introspective.

Depeche Mode-"Enjoy The Silence"

This isn't something I can talk about. My wife wouldn't understand because she's not in my body, I don't feel comfortable talking about it with friends, and to be honest there isn't much to talk about. Where I am is more of a state of being than a  set of thoughts.

The Cars-"Drive"

My mum has also been on my mind. I wonder about the afterlife, if there is one, and if I will ever see her again. Sometimes lately I just miss her. I want to hear her laugh, see her smile, and be there for her when she cries. This is my way of saying "Dammit, sometimes I just miss her." 

Its times like this that I loathe HD.

Mike and The Mechanics-"The Living Years"

At the same time I wonder about my wife and our child: how much will I be able to see of their lives, what and how will they see mine, what will we have the chance to experience together?

Rent Motion Picture Cast-"Will I"

These thoughts are actually liberating. Its as if they were being held back by a mental.wall, and now that its  down everything is rushing out like water behind a dam. When they stop running it actually feels cleansing. 

Because no matter how hard we look life is just a bunch of

Small Circles

The Rainmakers-"Small Circles"

G'Nite now.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

Want to know when the next blog is coming out or recommend it to a friend? There is an easy Facebook page for that now.

Letting Go

I'm sitting here with my cat next to me sleeping. She's sixteen years old, with arthritis and early dementia. She has let me know she's getting ready to go.

Real Life-"Send Me An Angel"

She spent all of today on the heating pad and could barely lift her head. Tonight she got up to eat some wet food, groomed herself and used her box. Then she fell back asleep. Her eyes have lost their sparkle. 

Howard Jones-"No One Is To Blame"

I've had my baby almost my entire life in the States. I got her my first year here and she has seen more changes in me than anybody. She's survived three apartments before my house, as well as two girlfriends before my wife. 

She saw me long before I started showing symptoms of Huntington's, and when I was a lot less stable in my personal life. She saw me stop drinking and finish my education. 

A twist on the Double Feature:

Today I'll be playing the same song by
both songwriters.

First up Terry Hall with Fun Boy Three

with the 1982 hit song in the UK where it went to number 7

Fun Boy Three-"Our Lips Are Sealed"

While they were in the studio, co-songwriter Jane Wiedlan and company

were having a hit over the pond in the US. 

All the way to number 15 it was:

The Go Gos-"Our Lips Are Sealed"

This is one song that always takes me back to a softer, easier time. When I was a young boy and had a carefree life, no real responsibilities and both of my parents were there to support me. A time when I hadn't heard of Huntington's Disease and life seemed like it would go on forever.

Falco-"Rock Me Amadeus (Symphonic)

Does this man have a stage presence or what?

I never knew before tonight. 

The mix of electronics and the orchestra is amazing.

This is another song I associate with carefree times. I went to the club and this was always playing, It was crazy to be dancing to the American version of a song in German by an Austrian but we sure rocked the house along with Falco and Amadeus. 

Eurythmics-"Love Is a Stranger"

I think a large part of my early grieving is that when my cat goes I will have lost the last tie to the period in my life when I was quite a bit irresponsible, when the world was at my feet. By letting go of her, I'm letting go of that part of my life to an extent.

Pet Shop Boys-"Opportunities(Let's Make A Lot of Money)"

There is video footage of them performing this song live. It is only the second live performance I'm aware of in which the keyboardist uses the Fairlight CMI. That was a very expensive piece so most bands did not tour with it. The only other place I'm aware of that I've seen it live was The Cars' performance at Live Aid.

This last song really encapsulates how I'm feeling these last few days. I'll leave you with Depeche Mode.

The Rumour

This is a mini-movie made to Depeche Mode's Blasphemous  Rumours

"I don't want to start any blasphemous Rumours

But I think God has a sick sense of humour

And when I die I expect to find him laughing"

. 

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too.

Want to know when the next blog is coming out or recommend it to a friend? There is an easy Facebook page for that now.