Sunday, 25 September 2011

My depression playing peek-a-boo, the Rushent children and more

First off with some very sad news. I just logged on a few minutes ago to find out that music producer Martin Rushent's three children  lost their mother Linda Rushent a little more than 48 hours ago. She was 58. Those poor children just buried their father, at a young 63, in the beginning of this summer. I can only keep their children  Jo, James and Tim  in my prayers. I ask you do the same. You can also give condolences on the  Martin Rushent Memories Facebook page .

Speaking of Martin, here is another Rushent produced gem:  Fault by Then Jericho.

Yesterday I promised you some Sparks. Here is a double dose, first is No. 1 Song in Heaven

When I Kiss You (I Hear Charlie Parker)

Had an interesting encounter with my depression earlier today. I was out with friends, and everything was going smoothly. I come home and things are still doing fine. Then I feel my mood dip, and I mean dip, into what is beginning to act like another major depression.  I mean another ass-kicking depression. Everything suddenly looked so different, and not in a good way.

Now mind you, it was just a few months ago that I switched off my SSRI and back onto an older anti-depressant. By the time I brought this up in the doctors office I was more than willing to jump in front of a Mack truck. In fact, depression and anxiety were my first HD symptoms. They have been my friends ever since.

Sorry about the segue. The long and short of it is that I don't have many medicinal options left so I have fight these moods with all of my energy. I knew yesterday was a rough one, and so today when my mood turned from my usual "I'm here, I'm alive so I'm grateful" mood into "Slow down Mr. Truck-you and I have a date"  I plugged my headphones in and let everything go for an hour. By now I was royally pissed off

...ah Fuck it!  Sparks has played through.

Do you think that instead of De Niro I might dream of these girls tonight with any luck?

So here I am, dropping another hour out of a day that I've already lost too many hours from whether it be too much sleep (depression) or just  lack of get-up-and-go. I do know that it wasn't until early this morning that I realized how bad off I've been doing. I came across the last few weeks of writing samples and thought to myself 'Holy Crap I didn't feel half as bad as I sounded', only to realize that yes in fact I had been feeling that bad for weeks.  That was a bit of a shocker and scared the hell out of me. Having lost my Huntington's effected mum to suicide I try to stay on top of my emotions and here they have slipped right through my hands. Starting tomorrow I'm going to start charting my moods along with my food intake journal to see if there is any correlation. It will also help me to graph any further mood drops and what did or did not work. 

That's all for the night. This already took several more hours than I expected. See ya soon

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