Monday, 19 December 2011

This Is What Nightmares Are Made Of

Woke up in the middle of the night here after a few tossed and turned hours. Don't know if I'm that under-slept or just overextended but I'm wired out. My mood is irritable, but a scary irritable. I don't know this person and that scares me. If I had my way I'd be crying in a ball right now. I don't know what that's about. 

Human League-"Things That Dreams Are Made Of (Kiss Sell Out Mix)"

I picked this out on purpose. I'm looking for a few cold, hard songs tonight. I'm going to my usual sources, The Future (pre-Oakey & Girls Human League) and the Human League. The simple reason is I can pull blindly electronic songs from this catalog.

I have no emotions. Its not that  my mood is dead. That implies there is some feeling. I don't even have that. I have fear and emotional deadness. I feel completely out of control, yet since there is nothing to be in control of, I'm not scared of this state.

The Human League-"Sound of The Crowd"

So what is my fear of? Its of the fact I've never felt this way. I've read about people with HD getting to this point, and then I start crying. Even while crying, I still don't feel any emotion. Don't ask me, I don't know.

The Future-"Dancevision"

Before I went to sleep I dropped by my Twitter Account. Someone asked me how my day was. Instead of thanking them for caring (it was obvious from their question they were referring to my blog, to do that and remember it later to ask me is a nice thing.) I said "oh, that didn't turn out and I wrote a whole entry on it..  I looked down, shocked at my callousness and thanked them for asking. I was ashamed of myself, yet I could feel this disconnect from the human race.

Human League-"Seconds"
Did this even  have an American Release? I don't think it did.
From "Dare"

Well, I'm going back asleep. Have shopping and mailing to do tomorrow as a Secret Santa.  Thank you for reading. I may not feel better from writing this but at least I feel a member of the human race again, albeit one with a nasty disease that's attacking my emotions in one sweep.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option. The comments section is fine too. 

1 comment:

  1. Paul,

    I read this haunting entry and fear my own future with HD.

    Please hang in there -- we need to keep you healthy for when the treatments come online.