Friday, 14 October 2011

New Meds and My First Two Poems

Here it is, 9 in the morning. I'm hungry as can be yet every time I look down at my plate my stomach turns over. I'm not nauseated anymore, but it still does flips.

As you may know my doctors changed my meds up big time yesterday. I'm now on the anti-depressant Impramine, mood stabilizer Lyrica,  Haldol and Namenda. I also have a Xanax PRN which used to be a regular med.

Medicine Jar-Wings 

My typing sucks, so please forgive me, Its a good thing I touch type because  every time I see something move it seems to be in triple time.Letters like n and m look exactly the same to me. I have to use context to read. Its like when you're in hospital for surgery and they sedate you, it makes it hard to do many things, you feel, well, intoxicated,
Poison Arrow-(Sheffield band)ABC

The hardest part of this is that I can tell the medications are working to help some of my symptoms. That in consequence makes me understand what's going on in my body for the first time since I became ill. 

Mr. Bean Goes to the hospital.

I can't stay awake today. When I'm not literally typing I'm sleeping. I'm drifting in  and out of sleep, which is fairly normal when one starts these sedative medicines. However,'I'll wake up and find a single letter pressed over and over again.  Most often I wake up because my neck or head jumps. Also,  I can't get my letters right, for example I just spelled can't can'g. I have always done this but not as bad (typed bad). On the other hand I feel the medication working in so many ways. I wish it wasn't so I could stop taking it and live in a pretend world again.The anti-dementia one (Namenda.) is the worst. It pulls me to the here and now.

My eyes still aren't working together, they just become worse.. If you remember that that has been going on mildly for days now, nothing new but frustrating as hell for readers like me. Reading is out, typing is on its way too. If I have to type fairly quickly I screw up and of course anything with a a "sound=alike work" I'm screwed because I fall asleep while typing, in fact fell asleep 3 times while typing this small paragraph.; 
Its the one and only Sparke/Now That I Own The BBC

What I'm trying to say is that I'm scared. I've never felt like this before. I feel sick. I never felt that before. Now I can't pretend nothing is wrong.

===To my older brothrer===

For the first time in my life I feel like a man 

with Huntington's Disease.
 I'm not ready to feel that way.yet. 

I'm not old enough. 
I haven't lived enough 
I haven't been to Graceland 
I haven't been to the Vietnam Wall

I didn't do anything last night
but constantly go to sleep only
to be waken up 
sharp head movements
legs kicking my body up and down
knowing these movements will eventually 
get worse, and worse 
until they 
will eventually kill me.

Just today,
I want to be safe
I want to sleep and know that I will 
wake up naturally 
being snuggly just like you 
in the blankets we shared
without a care in the world.
I'm not old enough.
I'm the little one.

"It feels like dying slow
letting go of life"

====To J====

You see, for the first time, 
since my mother was diagnosed
and they told her it was generic
and she ended her life, 
I am really scared.

For this first time 
I can feel what is wrong
with both my body.and my brain
How its moving
How its thinking
and how
my body is behaving
in directions it isn't supposed to.
How come you don't move that way?
Why don't you you think this way?
Since you don't
Why are you still here?

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