Monday, 10 October 2011

Repeats, releasing anger and the 12 hour blog entry

Mood 6 of 10
Anxiety upon waking 8 of 10

Several brief topics here. First is the issue of repeats in HD patients, not CAG repeats but word repeats. 

I find myself typing the same word or word pair twice at least a couple times in a blog entry. This isn't new, but something that I'm much more aware of then when my typing consisted of short emails, data input, Facebook statuses, and URLs. Anyone have experience with this or heard of this? I wouldn't care except I don't catch it until a second or third proof-read, and have to go in and edit the entry. Its just a pain in the a$$ and just one more reason to try the version of Dragon Dictate J bought me last week.

Stuck on Repeat by Little Boots

I've made several decisions that are unavoidable, or at least sitting in the background. First, a friend of mine M. who is HD at-risk wants to go to a support group. This friend doesn't currently have a car and I offered to take her. She tried to back out but my car needs the mileage so current plans are on going. She keeps going "No, really I didn't want YOU to take me" because she knows I'm really uncomfortable with attending myself but then I'm telling myself  "Really, I need a reason to get out of town" which is partly true. I also want a trial run to see if I can even get to the door.

Only problem, I didn't think it through until I typed this. I don't want to go myself. I'm not ready for this. I have nightmares of being in a room of people that are all suicidal like my Mum. The times I don't wake up, in my dream I come back from smoking and everyone else in the room is dead from self-inflicted gun wounds. Yeah, I know that's a nightmare and not real blah blah blah but I wake up feeling its real. 

That's a demon I'm just not able to face yet. Its my private demon. I am scared that when I walk in the room I'll be seeing myself a few years down the road. I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be?

This song has made me cry for most of my life. Let me today.

Yeah, its one country song in how many days? Gonna come and kill me over it?

I don't know why, but have an idea its because it talks about what Mothers want their children to be in the future. I could be really off though. 

An anger song
Sometimes even guys need to cry. That includes me. 
"Daddy didn't give attention 
To the fact that mommy didn't care
King Jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world"

This song brings on so many feelings, anger toward my Mum for being the most important person in my father's life (what's so important about open house night at your school, son???) , obvious anger at HD for leaving us to find her dead, anger for giving me this Motherf'cking disease and all the other stuff I'm working out in therapy. Oh, yeah that thing about risking passing this POS onto any kid I have and not wanting to put any other adult into a non-equal relationship with me. But besides that, hey nothing to be upset about. Really.

More anger music- I can feel my system getting it out.

The End- The Doors

One of the best comments I've ever seen on YouTube is under this video. 
Its referencing the Operation Wall Street protests.
"The protestors[sic] on Wall Street are saying, 
"No more! WE will no longer just be bricks in your damned Corporate walls.
" Stand up, hear the music and take action against the rising Tyranny.
 "Hey, Teacher, leave them kids alone!!""~jeff62rey

I never knew this next one was about the Vietnam War, seriously. 
I've been discovering that era has some great anger music.
The Rolling Stones - Paint it Black

Well, its now 8:30 pm and I started this entry twelve hours ago. I did way too much the last few days and will be going out to distribute Amy Ahearn fliers tomorrow so I don't have a choice but to be rested up. 

I just don't have any drive today, so I'm going to sign off with some Blondie and Pretenders.

Okay, J is literally starting to walk me to our bed so I better get off the computer. Have a good evening.

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