Wednesday, 9 November 2011

9 November 2011

I woke up this morning in a rather foul mood. Actually I still felt flatlined. As I began making my coffee an amazing thing  happened. I looked down and realized here I was sleeping in until noon, in my pajamas, having time to enjoy my coffee, with a full wallet for my grocery shopping later. What do I have to complain about? You know, I was right. I don't have $hit to complain about. So good morning. Now let's start this blog out on a better, my happy note. Literally as well as figuratively.

I really felt this homemade video of stills caught Bob Denver's energy.
"Sunshine On My Shoulders"

There were a couple things on my Facebook this morning that made me smile with my breakfast.
First was this video with the caption that says it all.

"This is the old generation passing the message on to the new one."
David Crosby and Graham Nash singing "Teach Your Children"

The Second was this Webpage of absurd signs. Click Through the image for the page.

This is a terrible thing to say but death has been on my mind a lot lately. I've tried to deny it but its not something that simply goes away. I am thinking of my future and the future of ones I love more than is necessary. When my mind drifts it drifts back to what happens, if anything, to me after I die. This has been going on pretty much since I got my test results followed by my hospitalization. They were really the nails in my mental coffin and my mind has been nearly OCD on the topic ever since. I want it to go away so I can think of prettier things in life, but unless I go out of my way to change my thinking my mind is stuck on the big D. 

Johnny Cash - God's Gonna Cut You Down

To complete this double feature:
"It was no longer my song anymore. It was a great honour." Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails on 
Johnny Cash covering his song "Hurt".

One of the most wonderful thing's Glenn Campbell has given this generation is a face and voice to Alzheimer's Disease. By speaking out so soon after his diagnosis he is showing the world that there is life after the horrid visit to the doctor in which his entire life shifted from living to surviving. 

This song brings up a funny memory. I was working one day in the shelves at the library and ran into some book that put this song in my mind. I was quietly humming it when a student came up to me and made a crack about me becoming "Americanized". What people often don't know is that for some oddball reason country music is fairly popular in the UK. This song was in the top 5 and I remember hearing it on the radio a lot when I was a small child. With its simplistic and clear lyrics it became a favourite for this 6 year old.
Glenn Campbell-"Rhinestone Cowboy"

Wow, that last song really just came out from behind my mental left field. I have no idea how I came up with it. I must say spending time visualizing this city boy singing Campbell in his little British accent did make me smile.

To see how strong an influence is, here is Human League's Empire State Human. It starts with Adrian Wright's choice of graphics: a photo of John Wayne with the words "Empire State Human" printed on it. This band is about as British anti-country/Citified as one can imagine. Yet there Wayne is, in all his American glory.

The Human League-"Empire State Human"

On top of having this OCD thing on death, I've been homesick. This week I've been looking at prices to fly home for a couple weeks via BA. Sure, I could save a few dollars by going through Expedia or  one of those discount airlines, but I don't trust buying tickets with all these fees for baggage versus carry-ons versus J's purse. It is really insane looking at all these fees. Two tickets, four pieces of baggage and two normal size carry-ons, thank you very much. Its already enough to have to check what little we want to bring on with us against the TSA website and having to go through the scanners. 

The current plan is for us to stay in London  for a week and a half. My brother, his wife and my nieces and nephews will be in the city for nearly a week. We could sandwich our days around his holiday, and it will save driving up to Sheffield. Since I'm no longer driving that would be a big mess avoided. J has never driven on the left side of the road and for obvious reason's doesn't want to have to start now. Neither of us want to take the National Express. 

On the other hand, I don't want to fly all the way and NOT go home at least for a day or two. It simply doesn't make sense and would likely leave me just as homesick. 

Yet still, I need to spend some time with the kids and my brother. I need some time with my family while I still can appreciate it, and as yesterday's blog shows those days are already farther apart than I'd like to admit.

The only other option at this point would be to fly over alone for the holiday. That would save me a lot of money and I'd be safe to travel at my leisure without anyone to report to. I want to drive, I drive. I want to take public transportation, I take it. I could meet up with my brother in the city and ride with him back to Sheffield. The only problem (outside of the fact I don't feel safe driving) is I'd be reliant on his good graces and I'm sure he'd be very sick of seeing me for over a week even if I was staying in a hotel.

Nah, that last one's not going to work for a number of reasons. Scratch it off the list. 

Earlier today I was making lunch and jamming to The Best of Sparks when a Moroder driven No. 1 Song in Heaven came on. (recurring theme-D-E-A-T-H) I'm jamming away and totally forgot J was coming home for lunch. Crap she scared the shit out of me! Imagine me making my little old sandwich screaming "Gabriel's  plays it, God how's he plays it!!" and then a meek "hello hon?" during the synth break. I'm too jumpy lately.  You should have seen the hole I left in our ceiling.

Sparks-"No 1 Song in Heaven"

R.I.P. Mama Cass Eliot-"Dream a Little Dream"

Now I'm just throwing some tunes onto the virtual turntable here.  Its nearly 5 O'Clock and I've accomplished less than nothing. Still looking at plane ticket prices, spent an hour with a friend watching her watching the announcement of the pregnancy of Michelle Duggar which I could give a crap about but my friend does care about. She claims its an interest based on her major of Psychology. I call her  full of bull$hit. 

Do I really care if that woman chooses to risk her her life for religious or financial gain? I only care insomuch as if we restrict her from having children on any grounds, it would make it easier to restrict others who do less wrong in the future.

So for baby and mother, I hope they both arrive safe and healthy and that's the end of that.

The Beatles-"Oh Darling!"

For the third time today I'm trying to get my brain into gear and head off to the grocery store. I just can't do it. My head starts thinking of one of a few re-occurring themes (the D word) and I'm back on my bed, feet behind me, awash in anxiety and curled up like a bow. 

Gary Numan-"Cars"
Here in my car
I feel safest of all...

Pet Shop Boys - "Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)"

I've literally kicked the bed when my anxiety started to cause the nerves in my ankles to tingle. Now I'm tired, spent time holding my pillow, tried to cry it out and I still can't get out of here! ENOUGH!!!!!!!

I'm tired. 
I'm tired of doing nothing and being drained of all energy. 
I'm tired of being an unproductive human being, 
of my level of activity being judged by some external rule.. 
I'm tired of the energy draw, 
of the tears, 
and of everything meaning nothing.

You, over there.
Please, just take over 
And spend an hour being me.

A-ha-"The Sun Always Shines On TV"

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