Wednesday, 30 November 2011

HD Family

I'm off the Lyrica. That was making me so sick yesterday. I couldn't read or do much of anything. Today I feel a little edgy but that is to be expected. Originally the doctor was going to put me on another mood stabilizer but he called me late last night and asked me if I'd taken it yet. When I told him I was waiting until this morning he asked me to hold off on taking it for a while and we're going to see how I'm doing without it. I've expressed to him my frustration on being on so many drugs and he understands where I come from on that issue. So for now that drug is out of the picture as well. I wish all of them were out of the picture but I understand his concerns. What I want isn't always what's best for me, and I know that. I don't have to happy about it, but that is reality. So for the day I'm not going to be taking any stabilizer and we'll see if I start getting really jumpy. I feel a lot more "with it" than I did a week ago. 

Giorgio Moroder's Oscar Winning Soundtrack "Midnight Express"

I was looking at my Facebook this morning and a post by caught my eye. Seeing is believing and I laughed so hard I almost bust my gut. 

This has been an extremely exhausting month for me. Not only did I have the holidays but I started off in the hospital. When I came home I read that a fellow blogger had chosen to be tested for the Huntington's Gene. So was waiting for her results. Another fellow Facebooker was also waiting for her tests. I was waiting with anticipation for their results as much as I had waited for mine. Its as I once told a friend of mine on Facebook, when you are dealing with HD you already know so much about a person. I know you are going to have bad days,  and those bad days are going to suck threefold because its combined with the built in depression that comes with HD. So your bad days will seem twice as bad as they really are. I know that you came from a family of some dysfunction. When you have a disease that has been perceived as a mental illness society told us to hide it away. This naturally causes a dysfunction of the family unit. So I know that you are used to hiding things, just as I was. I also know that you come from a family where you have experienced death. Its not the unknown factor when you have lost a parent to HD. You've learned already how to grieve. I know all of this about you before our computer keyboards met.

Giorgio Moroder & Philip Oakey - "Electric Dreams"

Both of my friends are free of this nasty genetic illness. That's what I call it, and my brother always tries to correct me when I use it in his presence. He always tells me "I'm not truly free."  but he is. He is free to have as many kids as he wants and to save his life insurance for old age. He is free to go and do whatever he feels like as long as its reasonable.  I don't have these options. Never did, and never would.

Am I jealous of my brother and HD-negative friends? Of course, if I said I wasn't I'd be lying through my teeth. At the end of the day I count my blessings and I get ready for the next morning before I go to sleep. That's all I can do.  I've never lived in his shoes so I don't know what its like, just as he's never been in mine.

This is my only escape from it all
Watching a film or a face on a wall
Robert DeNiro's Waiting...Talking Italian

Off I go tonight on my totally artificial mood cloud.  Sometimes I wonder what emotions would exist if I stopped all medications. I'd probably be depressed but what else? I do know I get very agitated at times, in fact that's always the one thing that I recognize and will bring me in for mental help. That's what brought me in when I was drinking and what I felt when in the hospital when I finally decided I might trust the shrink. So I'd be an agitated depressed guy. There are enough of those around, I think I'll trust the medication for now.

Tina Turner-"Better Be Good to Me"

G'night all, and sleep well.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.

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