Monday, 21 November 2011

Please emotions, kick me in the pants again

Really suffering from a lack of get up and go lately. I want to blame it on depression but I don't know if that what's causing it.

U2-The Refugee
Her Momma says one day she's going to live in America

I had a couple basic errands I put off today for no reason at all. I was saying the reason for my delay was because I was charging my smartphone but  it started charging at 50% which was fine for the two hours I was gone.

U2-Stay Faraway (So Close)

Today is the first day in a long time that the house felt empty while Jane was at work. Usually I feel fine doing my own thing as I've always been happy with my solitary time. Today I felt the empty walls. It could be simply everything that's been on my mind lately. That can do it to anyone.

As much as I didn't use my auto, I do miss driving. The public transportation system here outright sucks. The bus line stops running into my neighborhood at 6 pm. There is one bus that runs into Santa Barbara after that, and it runs at 7:30. The good thing is it always makes sure I'm home for dinner.

Phil Collins-"In the Air Tonight"

Some days I really miss working. I loved that job. It was fulfilling to do that type of work. Although much of it was naturally solitary, at times I also worked the circulation desk and had interactions with many of the students. Also, this time of the semester they would come pouring in as they began research for their term papers. One of my jobs was, naturally, to help them find what they needed. Surprisingly, most students did not go back to the reference desk but went straight to the shelves. How many times I came to  help a poor lost student find what they needed I can't count.

Eminem-"Not Afraid"

I love the above song, actually the whole album, because he speaks of working on improving himself. That is a message we all can learn from. Specifically I've always been impressed with what he says about getting rid of his demons. 

Heaven 17-Geisha Boys and Temple Girls 
Just because I can slip it in here

Human League-"Deep Feeling (Fascination)

This song has a long history with me. I owned the EP back home. I didn't move my vinyl music with me as I thought the temperature would ruin it anyway. This was among those I planned to replace once I settled down. What I didn't plan on was that America doesn't sell the EP. Its not a popular format here. This song wasn't featured on their first several greatest hits collection for some unknown reason. So I was stuck without my favorite song for a decade.

Finally I found a new "Very Best of" collection on CD. This did have the elusive track. So I purchased straight off at the Amazon website. This was back in the day, mind you, when Amazon only sold books and music.

I much preferred this performance to the actual video. Its fun to watch the vocal travel down the line as each sings their lines. It was a bit of an ensemble piece, which one doesn't find often in popular music. Its also the last great  piece by this incarnation of the band 

As much as I like the three L's -Louise, Life on My Own, Lebanon- I abhor Hysteria. Its one of crappest albums they've made and if you've heard Crash you know that's saying a hell of a lot. Its no wonder they went into a tailspin after those two albums  (two members left, JoAnne had a nervous breakdown and her house & bandmate Philip suffered from a severe depressive episode). 

Another elusive EP is the brilliant Magical Mystery Tour by the Beatles which was only released as a full sized LP in the States, losing the feel of the original.

The Beatles-"Your Mother Should Know"

Tonight turned into something absolutely horrid. Jane came home early from work, and I  walked in the door soon after from some errands. First off was the announcement that she telephoned Kris (pseudonym), an ex-lover of mine. We had an eight year relationship that ended when she got knocked up by another bloke and wanted me to raise her child. I refused but we managed to part on amicable terms and I keep in touch twice a year as godfather to her son. The amazing thing is the lad is more religious than either of us, which says a lot considering most of my adult live I considered myself an atheist. 

Anyway, Jane called her and they had a "nice chat". I bet it was.  Kris and I broke up primarily because of my refusal to raise her baby, but my drinking played too large a role in that relationship for it to survive. I'm the first to admit that fault. 

Jane told Kris of her engagement and wanted to know if Kris felt there was something she needed to know. Kris did what most jilted lover's would do, she laid out every horrid thing in our relationship and then some. 

The Beatles-"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

Jane finally confronted me with "She told me you never mentioned you were at risk of getting Huntington's Disease to her" which was the truth. There was no reason too. I couldn't father children, so I wasn't going to pass anything on to her offspring. I wasn't symptomatic (that I was aware of) so no issue there. I wasn't in a relationship I expected to be in for the rest of my life so no "trust" issues. 

I spent the middle part of my life running from this disease, I wasn't going to shout from the rooftops about it. Not then, unlike now. I figured if I mentioned it she would run to the hills.

Twenty-two years ago there wasn't the support for people "at risk" that there is today. We lived in closets, hiding out.  We didn't fit in either side of the spectrum. If I didn't have HD, then what was there to worry about?

SuperTramp-"Take the Long Way Home"

So now Jane is thinking if I could "hide" something like that from Kris that I would hide something like it from her. If only she would understand how different my relationship with her is from the ones I've had before. How different I am as well. Instead, my impression is she's thinking I'm going to betray her.

The last few days have been very emotional. Good and Bad, but not indifferent. Yesterday night we went out and I bought her engagement ring. Its beautiful and exactly what she wanted. Saturday was another matter. 

You know what? This isn't worth it. I'm going to go and eat my words. Tell her how very sorry I am she's feeling betrayed. Because you know what? I am sorry she feels that way. Its a sucky way to feel. 

I probably haven't been on my best behaviour either. The tears on my pillowcase should be telling me that

The insurance is giving me hiccups on my antidepressant, making tonight the third night I haven't taken it. The chemist told me today that if it isn't covered by tomorrow he'll fill a few tomorrow 9 a.m. sharp to hold me over. It would have been nice if the man working Saturday had offered but why look a gift horse in the mouth.

The first of two brilliant songs about New Orleans
The Animals-"House of The Rising Sun"

So out I trot to the living room to find my fiancee crying? WTF had Kris told her besides the drinking, leaving her in time of need (she was the one sleeping around), and the HD. No one upsets Jane without going through me. I go from repentant to pissed in point five seconds. 

Ike & Tina Turner-"Proud Mary"

It turns out that Kris had told Jane that I had slept around on her. I did a lot of things in that relationship but one thing I didn't do was sleep around. This was the height of AIDS paranoia when OMG it was infecting the straight population. There was no way I was sleeping around. So Jane was crying thinking I might have done the same to her. I was shocked, and sad, but mostly just angry.  I think my instantaneous anger towards Kris for lying answered any question in her mind about whether I would ever sleep around on her. 

I still told her about the antidepressant, and she said that made a lot of sense as I've seemed slightly off kilter the last few days. We decided to take the dinners that we'd been cooking parallel to each other, and eat together and then watch Pollock. Its a favourite of mine that she's never seen before. I was surprised to hear that she wanted to see it, but she said a friend at work had also spoken highly of Ed Harris' dream film. 

Not many actors would be willing to call in their chips to make a film about a painter. I think it says a lot about Harris's character. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it.

On that note, its been a very long day for me. I'm heading out of here to grab dinner, a movie and some good company before I fall dead asleep.

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.

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