Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Late night questions

Its four thirty in the morning, I can't sleep and thoughts are racing through me head at lightening speed. I'm trying to get them written out so hopefully they'll go away. I know sometimes it helps. I may or may not publish this, either way it won't be my main blog entry.

My mind won't settle. If its not tripping on my mum its tripping on a dear woman I know through facebook. She suffers from JHD (Juvenile Huntington's Disease) and its been very hard for her the last few days. Finally today she had to be taken to the hospital for her symptoms. Those that don't know JHD  causes different and more severe symptoms than HD. Luckily they were able to pull her out of the event but it took two hours and she had to be poked in a main vein to get her treated. 

Pain-Eleanor Rigby 

I saw a video today of a local Occupy Protest. In this video was a woman receiving a citation and another man. Both of them I know personally from outside the Occupy movement. It upset me to see them looking at possible arrest for doing nothing but meeting in the daylight in a public park. Sometimes I get so angry at this crap. These are as good of people as you'll ever see. So society craps on them for giving a $hit? This video brings all the news I've seen and heard about people abused by police to a new light, now that people I know are affected. Does that make me selfish or human?

Hair Chorus-"Walking In Space"

Third, I have my godson's gift packaged and ready to mail off to the UK today. Only problem is I don't want any contact with his mother after what she told Jane yesterday. Would you? Yet I don't want him to pay. This particular gift is very personal however, and I don't want to give Kris any ammunition for the future.

Paul McCartney-"Put It There"

I chose this song because of the nature of my relationship to Kris's son. I don't have to be his father to have that type of relationship. My long distance mobile phone bill is living proof of that. Yet he's worth every cent and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact, he's already on our wedding invite short list. Ah, screw her and the horse she rode in on, he's getting the gift.

Fourth, as I've mentioned before I'm having a crisis of faith, or should I say non-faith. I'm thinking one thing rationally but my heart is questioning. I actually prayed for someone today. To whom did I pray I couldn't tell you but I still did it. That's something I haven't done since a year after Mum's death. It was a surreal experience but on the other hand knowing I'm not alone would be a nice thing too.

George Harrison - "My Sweet Lord"

Finally, this whole suicide thing is sitting on me. When does it stop being selfish and start becoming fair game? Or does it ever? Is it selfish to want to avoid an extremely long, protracted illness in which your brain breaks down until you can't control your body and you either suffer a heart attack or die of pneumonia? Oh wait, there's a third door, you can refuse a feeding tube and starve to death. Yeah, what a choice. Of course, if you are lucky, your brain has now broken down so much you aren't aware of your impending death any longer. Your emaciated body will welcome it. If there is a God, does this send you to hell? If so, that isn't a very loving god is it? Where does my will fit into all of this? 

Elvis Costello-Veronica
Do I have a right to chose NOT to end up like Veronica?

A friend brought up a good point tonight. Doesn't Jane have the right to know what I'm thinking or does she have to wait until my fear and depression get the best of me? If I really, truly love her aren't I obligated to share these thoughts with her so also has time to process her feeling? I think my friend is right. So this opens up a whole can of worms, such as when and where? How much detail? If I don't tell her, does that mean I don't trust her? Isn't trust an integral part of a relationship? 

Paul McCartney-Figure of Eight
which is exactly where my thinking is taking me tonight.

Crap, I'm starting to cry again. Enough of this, I don't even know what I'm crying over. I can't even tell if its a good cry or if I'm crying over something sad. I just know the feeling of warm tears running down my face. 

Please, I'm so tired of all this......Someone make it stop.Well, that's not entirely true. I haven't really been the same since I received my test results. Lets be honest, no one who gets HD at my age expects a CAG repeat around 150. Its not supposed to happen and it scares the crap out of me. Also it seems like lately my symptoms are just running rampant, and I know my doctors are concerned the way they are so drastically changing and raising my medications. That scares me too.

Well, I'm going to try to leave you on a positive note. I found this at @GregMitch's daily blog. 

"Video from the #occupy bat signal crew. Inside look at this 
series of inspirational video projections on the side 
of the Verizon building on November 17th."

Catch Paul Ware on Facebook or Twitter. I can also be reached via email (delete no spam) but much prefer the Facebook message option.

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